Hidden Harm: 3 Ways Parents Can Hurt Kids' Self-Esteem

For parents, the goal is to raise confident, happy children who believe in themselves and their abilities. However, even with the best intentions, some common parenting behaviors can unintentionally harm a child's self-esteem. Following are three subtle ways this can happen and practical tips to avoid these pitfalls.

1. Over-Correcting Every Mistake

Take Irina and her 10-year-old son, Ethan. Ethan loves drawing, but Irina often points out how he can improve when she reviews his art. “Great job, but you can make the tree more realistic by adding shading,” she says. Her goal is to help Ethan become a better artist, but over time, he just feels like his efforts aren’t good enough.

Constantly correcting a child’s efforts, even with the intent of helping them, can make them feel inadequate. Children thrive on positive reinforcement, and when they hear more about what they can do better than what they’ve done well, they may start doubting their abilities.

Tip: Focus on praising effort and progress, not just results. Instead of offering unsolicited feedback, try asking, “What do you like best about your drawing?” or “How do you feel about this one compared to your last one?” Doing this allows your child to evaluate their growth, which builds their confidence.

2. Comparing to Siblings or Peers

Jeff has two sons, Tyler and Ryan. Tyler excels academically, and Jeff often asks Ryan, who struggles with schoolwork, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Jeff’s words come from a place of frustration, and Ryan internalizes the message: “I’m not as good as my brother.”

Comparing children, even if it’s subtle or unintentional, can make them feel inferior. Each child has unique strengths and weaknesses. Parents may unknowingly foster feelings of inadequacy by constantly comparing them to siblings or peers, which can profoundly affect self-esteem.

Tip: Avoid comparisons by acknowledging each child’s strengths. Try saying, “I love how creative you are, Ryan. Your ability to think outside the box is one of your best qualities,” instead of holding one child up as the standard for another. Recognize that every child has different talents and deserves to be appreciated for who they are.

3. Brushing Off Their Feelings

Melissa is a busy working mom. Her 8-year-old daughter, Lily, often comes to her upset about problems at school, like arguments with friends. Following the stress of her day, Melissa typically responds, “Don’t worry about it, you’ll be fine,” and moves on with her tasks. What Melissa doesn’t realize is that, to Lily, her feelings are being dismissed as unimportant.

Dismissing or minimizing a child’s emotions, even with good intentions like trying to help them feel better, can make them feel unheard. Over time, children may stop sharing their feelings or begin to believe their emotions don’t matter. This can damage their self-worth and lead them to doubt their ability to cope with emotions. As my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, describes, this may lead to defiant behavior.

Tip: Validate your child’s emotions before offering solutions. A simple “I see you’re upset about this” goes a long way. Once your child feels heard, you can help them navigate the situation. “What do you think we can do to make it better?” This approach teaches them that their feelings are important and helps build emotional resilience.

Conclusion

Even the most loving parents can unintentionally undermine their child’s self-esteem through subtle behaviors. Parents can foster a more supportive environment by being mindful of over-correcting, comparing, and brushing off feelings. Remember, children develop their sense of self-worth primarily through their interactions with their parents. Small steps to validate, encourage, and celebrate who they are can help them grow into confident, resilient adults.