A Kinder Valentine's Day

Source: Adobe Stock | sulit(.)photos

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As Valentine's Day approaches, I've noticed an interesting trend among clients. Couples have scheduled sessions just before the holiday; some have booked follow-ups immediately afterward, just in case. Others, newly in relationships as well as longer-term couples, have also shown an interest in having sessions on the day itself.

This diverse range of responses leading up to a single day reveals much about the complexities and nuances of relationships. It may suggest deeper underlying anxieties, vulnerabilities, and often high expectations imposed by society or ourselves. But even expectations are a paradox. On one hand, we want to be genuinely surprised; on the other, we also want to receive exactly what we desire.

With Valentine's Day having become a time for grand gestures of love and romance, this easily opens the door to disappointment and dissatisfaction on an impressive scale.

So, what are we to do?

One of the most profound yet simple things couples can do is to be kind to each other.

A comprehensive review that looked at kindness studies involving nearly 200,000 people from around the world found a clear trend: Kind individuals tended to have higher well-being.³

Although the overall impact was moderate, additional research pointed out that acts of kindness translated into substantial significance when repeated and when little to no expense or effort is needed to make a change.³

Imagine doing a small, spontaneous act of kindness for your partner. These unplanned gestures of goodwill often make us happier than scheduled or expected ones.³ In addition, kindness has a ripple effect; the more we receive or witness it, the more likely we are to be kind ourselves, creating a positive cycle of love and generosity.

Interestingly, the concept of actively practicing kindness is introduced early in our lives. Many children will participate in "Kindness Week" at school, where they are assigned to perform acts of kindness. While these early lessons in kindness teach us the value of empathy, effort, and courage, they also set a foundation for understanding the dynamics of adult relationships.

But as adults, we face the challenge of maintaining this proactive kindness in our relationships. The assumption that our partners will always be kind can lead us to neglect the need for ongoing effort and appreciation in our interactions. This oversight can have negative implications on the health of our relationships.

Understanding these challenges, we can actively shift our approach to relationships by recognizing and refocusing on three key elements:

The Assumption of Good and the Pitfalls of Neglect

Good behavior and positive attributes are often taken for granted in many relationships and assumed to be a given. This oversight can lead to a dynamic where only negative behaviors receive attention while the positives go unrecognized.

John Gottman, a relationship expert, suggests there is a specific mental approach that successful couples use to scan social environments, a "thankfulness radar" for things they can appreciate and be grateful for. They work toward building a culture of respect and regard for each other.⁶

Conversely, less successful couples were primarily scanning for their partners' mistakes.⁶

Routines and avoidance are typical culprits. Whether talking about your business, staring at screens, or simply skipping opportunities to connect and appreciate each other, Valentine's Day can serve as a reminder to notice and appreciate the good in each other actively.

1. Beyond Transactional Interactions. In long-term relationships, conversations can often become transactional, centered around daily problems and responsibilities. Think of how a rough day at work can make you irritable at home.

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Studies show that external stress from daily hassles decreases satisfaction with their relationship directly and indirectly by negatively affecting the individual's psychological and physical health while increasing the stress from relationship problems.²

This Valentine's Day, you can go beyond transactional interactions. Engage in deeper, more meaningful conversations, spend an extra minute together to refresh emotional intimacy, and remind each other what brought you together.

2. Navigating Conflicts With Kindness. Conflicts are a natural part of any relationship, and avoiding conflicts can be just as harmful,⁷ but it is the conflicts themselves that dictate the health of a relationship and how we choose to handle them.⁸

Disagreements can either build or erode the connection. Handling conflicts with empathy, kindness, and understanding is crucial; it can turn a potentially negative situation into a moment of connection and understanding.

On the other hand, if left unaddressed or unresolved, these conflicts may build up and lead to resentment. Studies show this can contribute to a cycle where depressive symptoms and marital dissatisfaction feed into each other. Specifically, depressive symptoms may lead to less satisfaction in the marriage, and conversely, a decrease in marital satisfaction can intensify these symptoms.⁴

Approach conflicts with kindness and understanding. Overwhelming them with kindness can quickly defuse a tense situation and prevent the build-up of resentment, fostering a healthier, more resilient bond.

3. Rekindling Love With Kindness. It is always easy within the complexities of relationships, but kindness should not be a nice-to-have but a must-have for lasting connections.

It can be as straightforward as a heartfelt compliment, a moment of listening, or a pause to appreciate what your partner brings to your life. Embrace kindness not just this Valentine's Day but as a way of being in a relationship. In short, being kind to each other is also being kind to yourself.

Let's acknowledge that receiving gifts is amazing, but don't forget to communicate and set expectations. It's about actively choosing to be kind, appreciate, and connect with your partner, even if it requires a trip back to the store, together this time.