Why People Choose Unreliable Partners

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When it comes to relationships do you have to choose between a partner who is safe or one who is adventurous?

Is it possible to have both excitement and security in your relationship?

Many men and women find that it is possible to experience both—but often not simultaneously, and not always with the same person. Yet for a primary romantic relationship to be fulfilling, a combination of these two elements—excitement and consistency—is typically needed. This becomes problematic when struggling to choose between the dichotomy of a kind, reliable, and respectable partner vs. one who is exciting, thrilling, and unpredictable.

Why Some People Choose the Wrong Partners

There are several possible explanations as to why people are drawn to partners who are wrong for them. The first, research suggests, relates to the relationships they witnessed while growing up and how they serve as templates for your understanding of the way in which romantic relationships operate (Firestone, 2013; Zarrabi, 2020). For example, you might seek partners who mirror traits analogous to your parents’ relationship with regard to power imbalances or emotional distance.

A second explanation relates to caregivers who were emotionally unavailable while growing up (Gaspard & Clifford, 2016). You may recreate those early relational patterns with new partners because it’s not only familiar, but also an attempt to create a corrective experience to heal the past, by winning over the unavailable partner in your present. This becomes problematic, as picking people who are not available and cannot commit further reinforces the belief that you are not worthy of love. Love may not feel meaningful unless it is earned. Conversely, love that is given freely is perceived as less valuable.

A third possibility is that you are emotionally unavailable. Unavailable partners could be appealing because they do not pose a threat of getting hurt, as they maintain a safe distance in the relationship for both of you. Consciously, you might believe you want a partner and that the problem is with others, rather than something that should be explored in yourself. Picking unavailable partners creates a functional illusion in which you can superficially point externally to your problems in dating, rather than confronting your own sublimated fears about intimacy, dependency, and vulnerability.

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Building a Home in Another and Tearing It Down

We are, in many ways, biologically predisposed to choose partners who are responsible, stable, and trustworthy. This type of connection reduces the uncertainty of the future and minimizes concerns about safety. The desire to establish security and protection drives people to find partners who feel like "home," research finds (Mitchell, 2003).

The paradox, however, is that once you establish this home base in another, the foundation you’ve worked so hard to build to secure safety begins to feel restricting, provoking feelings of confinement and a desire to escape (Mitchell, 2003). The continuous push and pull between the stability-adventure spectrum may cause you to constantly seek out the missing element.

How is it that the very efforts made to construct a home in another, brick by brick, begin to feel like a self-imposed prison? Considerable energy is devoted to assembly, fortifying the structure, and decorating the interior with the predictability and banality of a life together. Only once it's been established, you can’t help but search for the missing component.

Why is it that only once construction is complete that you long for freedom from the constraints of the very predictability that home provides? Ultimately, this challenge may come down to a struggle with fulfillment.

Hunger and Desire

Instead of mastering the art of moderation within yourself, you displace this internal conflict onto others. You might believe the solution or happiness is out there, in the "perfect" partner who can provide adventure or safety—or whatever you struggle to create for yourself.

But even eating the same Michelin star dish for every meal will begin to feel onerous. The issue is not with the quality of the dish; rather, it's the incessant thirst for newness and freedom from the limits that monotonous security provides. The question becomes: Can you integrate something you long for with moderation to prevent over-consumption and eventual disenchantment?

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On the quest for these aspects in others, once you find someone who holds the promise of delivering that missing piece, you likely become engrossed in them to the point of disillusionment. The problem is that you are using others to solve a problem that originates within yourself. You alone create and hold the power to solve the problem of wanting both: home and adventure.

Part of this conflict is recognizing the allure of something you do not have. While you long to be close and know your partner deeply, gaining full access to all that remains behind the public curtain can diminish your interest in them. The thrill of intimacy and intense connection is usually displaced by feelings of overwhelm for seeing another whose vulnerability and exposure feel inordinate.

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The Allure of the Missing Element

Attraction to the "missing element" is less about the fantasy object and more about difficulty sustaining happiness on your own. You may become transfixed with the idea that happiness exists outside of yourself, and is attainable as long as you achieve the missing piece. That search distracts you from confronting your own disillusionment with the present and what you have in reality.

Danger and dependency

When you do finally decide on and commit to a partner, your dependence on them exponentially increases. To reveal yourself completely and trust that your partner will not only be accepting but will also fulfill your primary needs is immensely threatening. In turn, you may make attempts to reduce that danger and dependency by making the love more predictable and monotonous.

When couples present in therapy, they talk with disdain about their lifeless relationship. What they do not often realize are the ways in which that deadness is in fact a product of their own design. Not only did they create it, but they continue to preserve the unexciting and predictable aspects of their relationship to protect and defend against the fear of instability (Mitchell, 2003). Many of these couples exist on a spectrum with lifeless predictability on one end, and concerns about loss and abandonment on the other.

Wishing for the permanence of safety suppresses the core desire for rebellion. Consequently, when that deadness becomes a prerequisite for safety, it leads partners to look for excitement outside of their relationship.

In the next article, The Role of Idealization in Relationships, the role of fantasy versus reality-based partners will be discussed to further develop self-understanding about this pattern.