The Role of Idealization in Relationships

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In stable love, people are seeking reliable attachment. In desires outside of stable love, people are searching for cast-off aspects of themselves, something that is missing or that cannot be provided autonomously. When they find that missing piece in another, they become entranced. Spellbound, they seek to make sense of and to internalize that unaccustomed experience. Unfortunately, in their attempts to control that which is captivating, they smother that connection and mystery.

The reason why romantic love is so captivating is that the perception of the other is based on the belief that they are rare and unique. That distinctiveness comes with idealization and the fantasy that this person holds the promise for intense connection and refuge from daily problems. With time, that fantasy is replaced with a more realistic perception.

Many relationships do not survive past this transition because all too often your need for the other to live up to your fantasy is too strong to accept them as they are in reality (Niehuis et al., 2011; Mitchell, 2003). The unwillingness to relinquish the fantasy image of others makes it difficult to see them accurately; instead, you may continuously force your partners into the idealized roles you’ve created for them.

Your Relationship With Yourself Relative to Your Partners

After repeated disappointment and disillusionment, it is tempting to withdraw inward to find refuge from the challenges that come with relying on and trusting others. Some disavow their need for connection by determining that no other has the potential to love and be attuned to their needs as they can. This self-encapsulation and comparison of others to oneself only guarantees seclusion.

The problem with this approach is that your perception of others is contingent on your current situation, struggles, needs, and self-beliefs. In turn, what you learn about others through your relationships changes a great deal about how you view yourself. For example, access to the unfiltered or perceived unacceptable aspects of your partner forces you to examine those very aspects in yourself.

In the reciprocal process of learning about yourself through your interactions with others and vice-versa, it can be surmised that we never truly know others entirely. The process is rife with subjective interpretations and provisional biases on all sides.

In addition, dependence on others can feel so threatening that people create an illusion of predictability and certainty of knowing their partners in more stable and ordinary terms. They fill in the gaps of the unknown aspects of their partners because it meets their needs, which, in turn, reduces the ability to see them accurately.

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Fantasy Versus Reality-Based Partners

Success in relationships depends on the ability to view others accurately. This ability is contingent on a willingness to relinquish the need for who you want them to be and to move forward in reality with the partner you have.

It is crucial to view your partner with accuracy as you operate as a team that compensates for each other’s weaknesses and capitalizes on one another’s strengths — especially when it comes to childcare and managing a home (Mitchell, 2003). Idealization only enables you to continue to live in a fantasy, to the detriment of your ability to prioritize and manage real situations sensibly.

It is essential to understand the pull toward the fantasy of strangers instead of available and vulnerable partners. It is easier to relinquish control to someone you might not see again than one who has a stable role in your life. Therefore, you might seek mysterious or unavailable partners because their unattainability prevents the possibility of losing them. This is a guaranteed method to avoid loss. It is far more threatening to fantasize about the person you have the relationship with in reality.

These roles simplify and flatten the real person you are forcing into a stereotype. They also create resentment and the desire to be liberated from these restrictive roles (Liebers & Straub, 2020). In the process, you stop relating to your partner as they are but instead as how you want them to be to support your own needs for comfort, predictability, and security.

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Your task is to notice when your defenses are activating. You need to de-center from your fixed perspective and recognize how your self-protective mechanisms are ultimately driving you away from the life you want and the people you care about.

By resisting the enticement of the fantasy or illusion of your partner, you can form real and enduring connections with them as they are.

Read Part I of this article series, Why People Choose Unreliable Partners, which explores the choice between a partner who is safe and one who is adventurous.