The "Not Good Enough" Story We Keep Telling Ourselves

One of the emotions experienced by people who are burnt out is shame. Shame for being burnt out. Shame for needing to work differently to help support our needs. Shame for letting others down. For me, I felt a lot of shame in the acute phases of my burnout. I believed that as a psychologist, I should have been able to avoid burning out, that I was not a good enough psychologist because I got sick. I would spend hours caught up in my mind telling me I had failed. This further spiraled my exhaustion into depths of despair.

What is shame, and where does it come from?

According to Brene Brown, a world-leading researcher of shame—shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and, therefore, unworthy of love and belonging. “I am bad.” “I am not good enough.” The focus is on self, not behavior, resulting in feeling isolated. It is the emotion that we feel when we don’t meet an arbitrary standard or expectation that was internalized from our early life experiences.

We aren’t born shaming ourselves. Shame can stem from shaming experiences in childhood and throughout life. Relational, environmental, systemic, or cultural experiences that sent us the message we are not good enough. One of them for me was learning from a young age that having a mental health condition is a sign of weakness. This wasn’t outwardly said but was embedded in the culture then.

How we respond to shame matters

Brene Brown writes in her book Daring Greatly, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable... If we cultivate enough awareness about shame, to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees” (p. 67).

We can’t avoid feeling shame. Like all other emotions, shame is not chosen; it is an automatic response that comes with being human. But just like all difficult emotions, shame can grip us and lead to unhealthy reactions (e.g., not asking for help with emotional and mental suffering). We know we are in shame’s grip when resentment, envy, and seeing ourselves as worthless (subhuman) consistently show up.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We could choose to see shame as a teaching moment, teaching us humility and reminding us of our humanity, that we are not perfect, that we have limitations, blind spots, and things to learn. The rest of this article will help you do just that.

Step 1: Be mindful.

Exploring our feelings mindfully is the key to loosening their hold over us. This means getting familiar with them, getting curious, finding out what they are about, and not ignoring or struggling with them. When responded to with mindful curiosity and non-judgment, shame can be adaptive. Because it is a difficult emotion to be with, take it slow—like you are dipping your toes into the ocean for the first time.

So, let’s get curious:

Step 2: Ask yourself: What do you feel shame about?

We feel shame for many things: our bodies, our actions, our feelings, our thoughts, our inactions. You name it, we can feel shame about it. We even feel shame for experiencing shame!

I invite you to write down what you feel shame about in the context of your burnout. For example, shame about experiencing burnout.

Step 3: What is shame telling you?

Every emotion has a function. Shame often tells us that we haven’t met our arbitrary standard or expectation set from early life experiences—what we learned was considered good enough.

What was your standard or expectation of “good enough” in the above situation you wrote down (step 2)? What should you have done? What would have been “good enough”?

Using my example of shame for being burnt out and a psychologist. My shame was telling me that I was not meeting my arbitrary expectation of what a “good psychologist” should look like, which was not suffering from burnout.

Step 4: Re-evaluate your shame.

I invite you now to evaluate the standard or expectation (step 3) behind your shame by asking yourself the following questions:

A. Is the standard or expectation realistic? Do most people hold this standard or expectation? What is the unrealistic aspect of it?

Example: I now know that my expectation of what a “good enough psychologist” was was unrealistic, as I am only human. Through speaking out about it, I found that other psychologists didn’t have this standard on themselves. It was unrealistic because there were things I didn’t know back then that I now know about my triggers and needs. And the reality was I had been working hard to take care of my mental health; it just wasn’t enough. I needed more help and more change.

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B. If it is unrealistic, revise it. What would be a more reasonable standard or expectation for yourself? (This should be something you can meet more often than not.)

Example: A more realistic expectation I have now as a once-again practicing psychologist is that I am a human first and foremost. I am not superhuman just because I have knowledge and skills in psychology. A more realistic expectation is that sometimes I may get unwell, even as a psychologist. I can make choices now to help prevent and support my health and well-being if I notice myself slipping. It is OK to be learning, even when it comes to looking after my mental health, and it is OK if I suffer a mental health condition again in the future. I am human.

Step 5: Practice.

Over the next week or so, I encourage you to consciously notice and let go of your unrealistic expectation or standard in your situation or experience and instead act from the revised expectation or standard in this situation. Moving from the “not good enough” story to the “good enough story” to unlock you from shame. Over time, this conscious choice to change the narrative will help you let go of shame in this and other situations.

Thank you for taking the time to explore your shame. If you are finding it hard to deal with your shame, I urge you to pursue psychological support. Unhealthy shame can undermine our psychological, social, and physical health if left unaddressed. It can lead to burnout and other mental health conditions like depression.

Take care of you

Shannon

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.