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“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” — Karl A. Menniger, American psychiatrist
Listening is fundamental to our relationship with ourself and others. Being listened to is not only about being heard, but also about being seen and felt. This kind of listening calls on all our senses—including our feelings and intuition.
There is an abundance of research on the importance of listening for personal, organizational and societal outcomes, as well as resources to improve this super-skill. Yet, many of my coaching clients still struggle with listening because it is not regularly updated and consciously practiced.
I would like to offer two models that provide a holistic approach: "deep" and "generous" listening."
Deep Listening
Deep listening means listening receptively and empathically from a deep, caring place within you—to reach the deeper, subtle intentions and meaning within the person you're listening to. It also means letting go of control—not thinking of yourself, your own thoughts and beliefs, not being reactive, but opening yourself up to unanticipated and unknown possibilities.
In "Deep Listening," the Founder of the Metta Institute, Frank Ostaseski, explains a useful three-fold listening model. He says:
“When we listen from the head we listen for content, we listen for the story; then we cultivate our wisdom and clarity and discernment.
“When we listen from the heart, we listen for the emotional flavour and we cultivate our altruism and compassion and love.
“When we listen from the body, we cultivate our intuition and also our presence, because, you see, the mind and the heart can be swept away into the past or the future, but the body is always here.”
Try these. See what happens.
- Head Listening involves your own internal monologue and is useful for self-awareness, planning what to say or do next, or making decisions—but because it's about you, it can sometimes leave a speaker feeling disengaged. Typical internal chatter sounds like: "What shall I say now? How am I doing? What I would do is…"
- Heart Listening focuses on what the other person is saying, without intrusion from your own agenda, thoughts, or narrative. Rather, you focus on feelings like empathy and compassion towards the other person.
- Body Listening is listening with your whole body and all your senses, including your "sixth sense"—your intuition—and any other sensations you pick up on. You notice and feel their words and the meaning behind them, through tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and energy shifts.
While each level of listening is useful, for ultimate flexibility, use all three levels in conversations for truly deep listening. Consider:
- In which instances do you listen with your head? Your heart? Your body?
- What does listening at each of these levels offer you?
- Which levels or part(s) do you listen with least—or not at all?
- How can you bring your attention to these "missing" levels and discover more?
- What intention will you set for yourself to engage in deeper listening?
Generous Listening
Rachel Remen talks about "generous listening" as a sort of spiritual practice of healing—a connection with another person at a spiritual level, through simply listening and allowing them to talk without judgment or agenda. In her YouTube video, she explains how such a spiritual communication strengthens both people: The speaker is truly heard, and the listener is honored and entrusted with something important:
“In generous listening, you don't even listen in order to understand why the other person feels the way they do. It doesn't matter why. What matters is what's true for this person and you simply receive it and respect it. And in that safe interaction, something can happen which is larger than before. And that's all you need.”
Broadcaster and podcaster Krista Tippett sums it up:
“Generous listening is powered by curiosity, a virtue we can invite and nurture in ourselves to render it instinctive. It involves a kind of vulnerability—a willingness to be surprised, to let go of assumptions and take in ambiguity. The listener wants to understand the humanity behind the words of the other, and patiently summons one’s own best self and one’s own best words and questions.”
You can do this by:
- Resisting the urge to "help" or "fix" the speaker or their issues. Simply let them talk, while you listen.
- Holding the space and offering them deep listening when they speak.
- Resisting the urge to fill any gaps in the conversation or silence. Let it be.
- Asking open questions and allowing them to answer fully—by staying silent. Let them pause, reflect, and speak when they are ready—they feel more "heard" and can achieve their own deeper understanding when allowed the time.
Think about:
- How often do you generously listen?
- How will you add this to your toolbox?
- What commitment will you make?
Daily Practice
Any skill or practice needs nurturing. Listening is no different. I give my clients this LISTEN acronym and exercise as a way to develop their listening practice:
- Learn. List your listening strengths and growth areas. Listen to learn.
- Intention. Set an intention to strengthen your listening practice.
- Senses and situation. Listen with your head, heart, and body. Consider the context or situation.
- Tend to others. Adopt an other-focus, demonstrate curiosity, and ask questions.
- Explore your understanding. Restate, paraphrase, summarize the other person's message. Check for understanding.
- Noise reduction. Quiet your internal voice. Create space for silence, reflection and processing.
Deep listening and generous listening involve a holistic approach—calling on our wholeness to incorporate intuition, energy, and spiritual connection to our listening as we engage with ourselves, others, and our environment.
Regardless of which listening practice resonates with you—set an intention to develop a listening practice that will bring you into deeper and more meaningful connections.
