It's Okay to Miss Your College Freshman

As my child prepares for his first year of college, I find myself in a number of in-person and virtual social networks for parents of college students. In these spaces, parents share their feelings, opinions and seek advice. While there are a few men among the groups, the vast majority are women. Throughout these spaces, and indeed in the “parent-going-to-college” genre of literature, a gentle patronizing tone arises. It seems to say “oh those moms.” It mocks moms as people who just can't let go, as too sentimental, too clingy, and too worried about their kids. And heaven help those who admit that their empty nest comes with an identity crisis. Oh. Those. Moms. What is wrong with them? Why can’t they just let got and get a life?

It's simply not fair. This attitude disrespects the expectations of American motherhood and the necessary skills, behaviors, and ways of being that women are obligated to develop. From the time that a woman contemplates becoming a mother, either through childbirth or adoption, American society expects her to adapt entirely to the coming child. An expectant mother is supposed to change her diet, her drinking habits, her use of medications, her lifestyle, her hobbies, and her work trajectory to meet the needs of that child. With changes in abortion rights, some states even expect that she would give up her life, even for cluster of barely differentiated cells.

Some changes are not voluntary. Research by Dr. Erika Hoeksema and her colleagues shows that biological mothers experience changes to the structure of their brains, as a result of pregnancy. Once the child enters the family (particularly those consisting of heterosexual couples), these requirements of adaptation continue. For example, because of a shortage of affordable childcare, the AAUW found that American mothers reduce their work hours, step out of the workforce, and make career decisions (including turning down promotions!) based on childcare considerations.

Once children are out of diapers and into the school system, the work of mothers does not end. Over the past decades, a model of intensive mothering has emerged. As described by sociologist Sharon Hays in her book The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood, individual mothers (and not networks or collectives) are primarily responsible for a “child-centered, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labor-intensive, and financially expensive” child-raising process that meets each child’s unique needs and ensures intellectual, athletic, and social success. As documented by Dr. Catherine Verniers, to accomplish this, mothers take on a greater workload within the household. In additional to physical labor, this workload includes mental labor.

Dr. Lindsey Robertson and her colleagues identified six forms of mental labor that mothers take on in order to accomplish family goals: (a) planning and strategizing, (b) monitoring and anticipating needs, (c) metaparenting, (d) knowing (learning and remembering), (e) managerial thinking (including delegating and instructing), and (f) self-regulation. Examples are planning meals to meet different preferences, coordinating transportation to events and activities, compartmentalizing work and family stresses, planning family vacations, and remembering appointments, birthdays, and special needs. Mothers have shored up American civic society and educational systems through volunteer work and they have become experts in everything from the most effective cleaning products to online education, and they have navigated complex power systems.

Over 19 years, mothers become very good at doing all of this — they become experts in maximizing outcomes and begin to automatically anticipate needs. What if we respected mothers for these habits and skills built over time? What if we regarded them the way we we treat elite athletes? As people who have endured extreme personal sacrifices in pursuit of excellence and immersed their identity with those pursuits — and face challenges when they retire. Just like the elite athletes interviewed in the HBO documentary The Weight of Gold, mothers may experience feelings of regret over paths not taken, a loss of identity, and a lack of purpose. Mothers aren't weak or overly sentimental because they feel sad at this life transition. They are simply people who are retiring from one role before taking up another. Instead of patronizing, let's give respect for their accomplishments and space for them to create new paths forward.