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Depression
Supporting a Loved One With Seasonal Depression
Here are tips for being supportive while keeping boundaries.
Posted January 17, 2024 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Symptoms of SAD include feelings of depression and sadness or a decrease in motivation.
- When a partner has SAD, it can feel frustrating, and one may feel helpless and not know how to help.
- Educating oneself while maintaining healthy boundaries is key.
Symptoms of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) include feelings of depression and sadness, experiencing a decrease in motivation or urges to do anything, and changes in appetite, among other things. It can feel like you just want to be lazy and stay in bed, or it can get so bad that you feel sad and hopeless and that there is no end in sight. Some people report physical aches and pains or dealing with stomach or GI concerns, and others report feeling an increase in the desire to snack: Cravings for fatty and sugary or salty foods are often the body’s attempt to create a serotonin boost to make up for the increased dark and dreary days.
These experiences can understandably greatly impact relationships. If one person feels sensitive to seasonal changes and experiences SAD, and the other doesn’t, it can create feelings of confusion, frustration, and even resentment for both partners. The partner who doesn’t have SAD may not understand it and may think that the other person is just being lazy. The partner who feels sad may believe that their partner doesn’t understand or support them. If this is the case for your relationship, I recommend a combination of the following suggestions:
Educate yourself on SAD.
Just learning a bit about it, how it manifests, and what it can look like can help you learn more about your partner’s experience, which will help you understand more of what is going on.
Do what you can to support and help.
I tell the unaffected parties to do what they can to motivate and support their partners. Maybe that means offering to drive with them to appointments or making the grocery list to fill the fridge. Try to keep compassion and understanding and remember that this is not their fault and not their choice.
Maintain boundaries.
While healing and supporting your partner is a major part of being a good partner, remember that you cannot—and should not—be their everything. Helping out with meal prep or motivating them to get up and shower is one thing; having to be their only support and even act as their therapist is unrealistic and can feel scary. If you find your partner is experiencing more intense feelings of SAD, such as severe depression or hopelessness, or even thoughts of self-harm, it is OK to urge them to get mental health support.
Many couples choose to get therapy together, both to support the partner with SAD and so the other partner can learn how to support them best. Therapy can help the couple as a whole learn healthy communication skills for managing mental health symptoms. SAD is likely to happen every year rather than just being a one-time thing, so getting the skills to help can be a crucial part of empowering the couple to work through it. This can also help the partners learn ways to better communicate their needs and also to empower themselves individually to meet their emotional needs.
One couple I worked with last year was able to recognize that it is perfectly healthy for one partner to stay home and work on art projects while the other goes out to social activities. It took them a while to work through the discomfort that came up when they did separate activities, but once they were able to do this comfortably, they found this solution worked well for them both.
If both partners have elements of SAD, they can sometimes reinforce it in each other. When neither person has the drive to get up and move around or run errands, it can be easy to just stay inside in bed. Similarly, when neither person has a craving or desire to make a healthy meal, it can be easy to eat junk food or even skip meals. In this case, I recommend that both parties make a plan to stay accountable to each other and themselves. Being honest with the other person about how you feel is important. When both people struggle with SAD, it can be common to try to withhold how bad you are feeling due to not wanting to trigger the other person, but this can be unhelpful.
When this happens, making a plan to stay accountable to your physical and emotional needs is essential. For example, some couples choose to log meals to make sure they are cooking a meal at least every couple of days or to make sure they are drinking water or taking their medications. When both people are struggling with SAD, it can be easy to forget these things as one day merges into another.
Ultimately, don’t discount the importance of mental health support.
When symptoms are starting to get worse, getting mental health support is crucial. These days, you can do therapy virtually, which may be a good tool for those who struggle to get out of the house. I have done phone or video therapy with a client while they are wrapped in a blanket on their couch so they feel comfortable. Getting support can help you manage symptoms as they arise and also make sure you are taking care of yourself.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
