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Key points
- Many survivors of family trauma and violence find that their caregivers deny their history.
- This denial can compound the trauma already felt and adds to the difficulty of spending time with family,
- Forming your own holiday traditions can help decrease some of the emotional pain during this time of year.
Shahida was, yet again, at a crossroads. The dreaded "holiday season" was here, along with the family get-togethers that always marked the end of the year. She wanted to see her siblings, her nieces and nephews, and some other extended family members. But she knew her dad and his new wife would be there—and the risk of re-traumatization this could bring. She felt she had no one to turn to to process this.
When her mother died when she was 7, she was left with a father who was ill-equipped to raise three children under the age of 10, and he quickly turned to alcohol to cope. Many of his drunken rage-filled episodes and the subsequent episodes of abuse were long forgotten by him—after all, he had gotten sober, so everyone should just forgive and forget—at least, according to him and his new wife.
But she hadn't forgotten. She had unresolved resentments, many that she had to keep to herself as she watched him be the doting, fun grandpa to the younger kids in the family. It wasn't fair. As much as she tried to tell herself that years had passed, and she should be over it by now, the holidays seemed to always bring up this feeling of isolation, resentment, and rejection by her family. Those who were old enough to remember his drinking and the abuse told her that she should get over it, that her father was doing the best he could raising small children. Those who were too young to remember just seemed to live in a different world.
Going home for holidays, or any family events, brought with it a range of emotions for her. She felt like she slipped back into that same mentality of the little girl who was frightened and isolated, struggling to navigate an impossible situation. Yet, she struggled with her feelings—all of her friends and coworkers were excited about going to see family for holiday gatherings—why couldn't she just do the same?
For those who grew up in chaos and dysfunction, the holidays can be difficult due to a lack of a normal home environment that others take for granted.
Because of the level of intimacy with family relationships, family can bring out any and all personal triggers. If there was any trauma or dysfunction in your family of origin, this dynamic can present with extended family, especially if family members haven’t done their work to unlearn these unhealthy mechanisms and behaviors. Because of this, interactions with extended family can drive you mad if you do not have ways to cope and deal with the stressors.
The holidays amplify these feelings, due to thrusting everyone together into an environment of expectations, obligations, and limited personal space. We receive so many messages during this time of year about what we should be doing and how happy we should be, that it can be hard to consider what is realistic.
As a therapist who specializes in working with survivors of family dysfunction, I often give these tips for handling these stressors:
- Practice boundaries. Boundaries are those invisible lines between you and others, whether physically or emotionally. Developing healthy boundaries involves developing comfort with the fact that it is OK to have boundaries even with family—not just friends and coworkers. This means that if there are certain topics you do not want to discuss, it's OK to refuse to talk about them; or, if you would prefer not to be hugged or touched, this is OK, too! Just because someone is family does not mean they do not have to respect your boundaries. With Shahida, we worked on ways for her to create physical boundaries and distance between her and her father and limited the time she would be with him in a social setting.
- Identify what is uncomfortable. When family are driving you crazy, take a moment to identify what specifically is bothering you. Is it their intrusiveness? Perhaps their high energy? There is no right or wrong answer. But, taking time to acknowledge it within yourself is validating and empowering.
- Take breaks. With the holidays coming, you will likely be spending more time with family than usual. Keep this in mind when planning scheduling and arrangements: Schedule physical breaks from others within your family who tend to push your buttons.
- Schedule mandatory self-care. This is a common recommendation during the holiday season, but it is essential all year! Make sure to schedule time for yourself such as taking a long solo hike, a dinner alone with your partner, or a day with just your immediate family following a long week of extended family togetherness.
- Know that it is OK to not go. Due to expectations of families, many people never realize that they are “allowed” to say no to family obligations or events. For many, even reading that last sentence may bring up feelings of obligation and guilt. Part of unlearning unhealthy behaviors involves developing comfort with what is healthy or not for you. This means that if there is someone who makes you uncomfortable, it is OK to not go to their home for the holidays. In my work with Shahida, I made sure she understood that this was an option for her and that it did not have to be set in stone—she could decide to go this year and not next, for example, and that this is OK.
