Do Abusers Understand Their Behavior Is Wrong?

Source: rebcenter-moscow/pixabay

When I conduct trainings, I often get asked if abusers know that what they are doing is wrong. Some people find comfort in knowing more about the psychology and pathology behind abusive behaviors, but even mental health clinicians sometimes disagree on the answer to this question.

First, whatever an abuser’s knowledge or level of self-awareness of their actions, abuse is wrong. People are responsible for any bad behaviors toward another person, and no one gets a pass for it. This needs to be said first and foremost, especially to survivors, before exploring this question further.

Abusers may abuse because of a need for control. This might stem from a sense of helplessness and need for control in their own life, especially if they were abused as a child. There is a strong link between childhood abuse and mistreatment and perpetrating abusive behavior later in life.

This is why many of my clients tell me they “feel bad” for their abuser because “it's not their fault they are like this.” Such feelings of empathy are OK, as long as they are accompanied by an understanding that abuse, no matter the history behind it, is wrong.

Many abusers, particularly narcissists or those with a personality disorder, also thrive on drama, even if unknowingly so. Creating chaos for others is how they get their narcissistic supply. But while it can be argued that not all abusive people are narcissists, most abusers probably have traits of a personality disorder (Collison & Lynam 2021).

Among those capable of perpetrating psychological abuse, many would likely meet the criteria for a personality disorder, though few are diagnosed. When strong elements of a personality disorder are present, many abusers may be unable to realize or believe they are doing anything wrong or to see their behavior as problematic. Instead, abusers often project their negative traits onto their target: If they are stalking the individual, they will claim that their target is actually stalking them; or if they were unfaithful, they would claim their partner cheated on them. If they have a personality disorder, especially narcissism or antisocial personality traits, their cognitive distortions can often prevent them from seeing the reality of their actions.

This is not to say that people with personality disorders do not experience emotional pain, even if unknowingly self-perpetuated. Sometimes this pain is what causes them to lash out at others, wanting them to hurt the way they are hurting. Hurt people hurt people, even if those hurt people are delusional, living in a different reality, or unaware that their actions are needlessly extending a situation.

While physically violent people might be able to recognize that their actions were wrong, at least in the eyes of the law, psychological abusers may really believe their reality to be the truth. They may really feel victimized, and combined with any charming and convincing nature they may possess, that conviction makes them sound more believable. To outsiders, these conflicting stories can make it more difficult to see what is really going on. They can easily believe that both people are lying.

This can happen with mutual friends, or even judges and juries. The individuals who work in our court system often have no background in mental health and so they can be especially vulnerable to the manipulations of someone who believes their own lies. And when an outsider goes along with an abuser’s claims, such as their lawyer, support network, or flying monkeys, they unknowingly reinforce this distorted reality.

Ultimately, remember that abuse is wrong, no matter the excuse or reason. The actions or behaviors are the problem, not the knowledge or awareness of them. The more that you try to get inside the head of someone else, the less time you spend focusing on yourself and your own healing, which is where you need to be. Validate your truth and your experiences, and spend time with those who believe you and support you and your healing. Talk to a therapist who specializes in the dynamics of traumatic and abusive relationships if you need support in your healing.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance and support. To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Facebook image: Prostock-studio/Shutterstock