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Psychotherapists have worked hard to relieve people of guilt. But where has that led us? Rather than develop symptoms, it is possible, instead, to develop character pathology. For example, in earlier times, a young girl who experienced guilt about her envy of a peer might promote her, which therapists considered to be a defensive form of altruism. Whether or not there is something wrong with being nice when you are envious and competitive might be controversial. But now, without the benefit of guilt and the social standards that support it, the girl might humiliate her friend to everyone else on a social media site.
Sigmund Freud believed that the primary sources of guilt were fear of authority and fear of loss of parental love, which eventually become one's conscience.1 Civilization, then, reinforces the sense of guilt and maintains order and stability. The practice of psychotherapy developed, to a large extent, because people experienced guilt about their impulses and actions, which then caused them to develop symptoms. Through treatment, patients attained the insight that their symptoms developed as a compromise between their wish to express an impulse and the prohibition against expressing it, such as guilt.
There are people who are very careful about doing what they believe is the right thing. In fact, some might be too careful about doing the right thing all of the time because they experience intense guilt if they don't. Becoming preoccupied with doing the right thing can be just as hard on you as neglecting your standards. Perfectionism can simply be the flip side of impulsivity.
Then again, it's likely you have noticed that there are people who do not seem to experience guilt, can disregard their guilt when they harm others, or behave in ways that are self-centered. There are people who fail to demonstrate basic human kindness, respect, acknowledgement, or never offer an apology because of their need for control, among other things. Even so, some people experience shame when their guilt is exposed and so they must hide any wrongdoing. Remembering that people's standards might differ from your own can help you better understand situations where you are not treated in the way in which you treat others.
Guilt alerts us to not engage in activities that might breech a social bond, a marital contract, or a business relationship. But now that we are becoming free from the conscience that mandates we put relationships first and our impulses second, the dynamic has shifted. A recent journal article in Personality and Social Psychology Review showed a marked decrease in empathic concern (a person's sympathetic response to the misfortunes of others) and perspective-taking (one's tendency to imagine another's points of view) among college students, with a particularly steep decline between 2000 and 2009.2 If you don't experience guilt or empathy, then you can do what you please. But is that a good thing or not?
Unfortunately, doing what you please may be the mantra of children who are not emotionally connected with their parents. If a child is emotionally disconnected from his parents, then the thought that his parents might be disappointed in his behavior is less likely to cross his mind. Since disappointment in oneself is not always central in the mind of a child or adolescent, an external authority is highly significant to erecting the limits of his behavior. Parents who are distracted, narcissistic themselves, or overly concerned about their child's popularity are less likely to impose limits that become part of the little nag in a child's head that helps him to experience guilt.
As a therapist, I have worked with a number of adolescents who have engaged in bizarre (for lack of a better word) sexual activities or were hospitalized due to excessive ingestion of alcohol or drugs. It never occurred to their parents to quell the activity that led to this behavior, such as prohibiting sleepovers, not allowing their child to go to a party without first checking to make sure a parent will be at home, or simply refusing to allow the activity. We cannot expect children and adolescents to develop their own conscience, one that will trigger guilt in their brain that might protect them, if we do not become the external authority for them that triggers their guilt in the first place. When we don't, their impulses will prevail because that's just part of growing up. However, there are plenty of adults who know what's socially "right" but don't experience guilt in their transgressions. We can blame those of us who are psychologists for some of that.
We now know that guilt is a social and self-conscious emotion that has evolved to protect humans. It helps people get along with one another by causing discomfort if you intentionally, or unintentionally, hurt another person physically or emotionally. Although guilt alerts you to the fact that you have violated a social standard, what you choose to do about it is up to you. You don't have to listen when your emotion of guilt is triggered. But, in any case, it might be wise to evaluate whether or not your guilt at the time is excessive, or why you tend to dismiss the message that it's trying to convey.
1 Freud, S. Civilization and its discontents. In Strachey, J. (2001) The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Volume XXI (1927-1931), London, Vintage.
2 Konrath, S.H., O'Brien, E.H., Hsing, C. (2010). Changes in Dispositional Empathy in American College Students Over Time: A Meta-Analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Review. 15 (3).
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This blog is in no way intended as a substitute for medical or psychological counseling. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
