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Key points
- Individuals in a romantic relationship often forget about the primary purposes of a voluntary relationship.
- A partner who acts out when the other has successes or celebrations often either withdraws or engages in microaggressions or outright aggression.
- Once the problem behavior pattern is identified, seeking personal and professional support can bring clarity and resolution for both members.
Healthy and unhealthy romantic partners differ in many ways, and one difference relates to how they respond when their partner faces a major life transition, achieves success, or are the central focus of celebratory life events. Before going into detail, it’s important to remember the purposes of a healthy relationship.
A primary purpose of a romantic relationship
A romantic relationship should act as a source of comfort and security, not stress and confusion. Each partner in a romantic relationship makes the other a priority, and each is emotionally mature and developed enough where each has a self-esteem and life purpose that doesn’t hinge on the love, approval, and attention from the other.
What support looks like in a healthy relationship
Healthy romantic relationships are healthy largely because each person happily supports the other. Accordingly, when you achieve a major career milestone you’ve worked for years toward or get a promotion at work, your partner relishes your excitement; when you put work into a project and get public acknowledgment, your partner basks in the glow of others seeing how special you are; and when you look forward to a special birthday party or other social event where you’re the focus, your partner feels genuinely satisfied and happy to see everyone wish you well.
The opposite reaction occurs in an unhealthy relationship
On the other hand, some romantic partners react the opposite way to a partner’s success or celebratory life events. These partners thwart their partners from feeling too good about themselves, which is why I describe these challenging individuals in my clinical work as “thwarting partners.” By definition, thwarting partners not only don’t feel happy for their partners when they are the focus of significant celebrations or get recognized publicly for their successes, but the reverse happens: They actually get negatively triggered.
Why the thwarting partner gets triggered when you succeed or are made the focus
The thwarting partner:
- Recognizes a change in the focus of their partner. Specifically, they notice the shift of focus away from themselves. The thwarting partner has a high need for order in the relationship, and the thwarting partner needs the order to include them being the focus.
- Sees that attention is taken away from them. The thwarting partner quickly realizes that their partner focusing elsewhere means less attention paid to them, causing them to regress in the way a young child may act who needs more attention.
- Feels threatened and anxious as a result of the change in focus and attention. The shift in focus and attention stirs the thwarting partner's underlying fear of abandonment. The other partner focusing on his or her own accomplishments or life transitions, or being the focus of others’ attention at major life celebrations, is experienced as if the other partner is stealing attention they could otherwise get and moving on without them. Because the thwarting partner has difficulty being vulnerable and can’t openly express his or her insecurities, the partner typically doesn't see or understand how insecure the thwarting partner truly is until the same pattern has been witnessed for years.
- Becomes competitive with their partner for attention. Again, it’s crucial to note that the thwarting partner will almost never be honest about—or, worse, aware of—what they're truly feeling because the feelings are so split off and unmanageable. Operating from the misguided perspective that there is not enough attention and recognition for everyone to go around, the thwarting partner panics, which quickly turns into contempt for the other partner who is outright robbing them of their valuables.
Ways the thwarting partner acts out once they’re triggered
The ways these individuals act out once triggered is quite simple at root, though there are many versions of what the acting out behavior may look like. The acting out almost always takes two forms: either withdrawal/avoidance of the relationship and other partner or some form of aggressive behavior.
- Withdrawal and avoidance. The thwarting partner, when triggered by the other’s major life events or celebrations, is chiefly motivated by getting their partner’s focus back on them, so they elicit a reaction to get that to happen. The thwarting partner may stop calling or texting as usual; come home later than usual; create the fear that infidelity may be occurring; stop spending time with them; shift to sleeping in another room or withhold physical affection, among others.
- Micro-aggressions or other verbally aggressive behavior. In many cases, the thwarting partner vacillates between withdrawal and aggressive behavior, a dynamic that creates instability and unpredictability in the other partner’s environment. When the thwarting partner becomes micro- or outwardly aggressive, they may start nonsensical arguments or start picking fights; make uncharacteristic demeaning or rude remarks; call the other partner selfish or crazy; gaslight them if the other partner naturally questions the aggressive and confusing behavior; and make subtle threats that the relationship may not be working.
Is the thwarting partner aware of their behavior?
Initially, the thwarting partner is not aware of why they are having a negative reaction when their partner experiences an exciting transition or life event. The reaction is fear-based and they are not aware of how much unconscious fear determines their behavior. (Their ego can’t manage vulnerability.) Soon after, however, they become aware of their anger toward their partner but they justify it and find scapegoats to use as vehicles to prop up their arguments as to why their feelings are valid. They are not able to be aware in real-time how they are actually competing for attention and fearful that their partner’s success or major life celebrations trigger fears that they aren’t needed.
Is the thwarting partner intentionally being malicious, trying to cause hurt?
The thwarting partner is not intentionally malicious from the outset. The problem is that their chief goal is to get their partner to focus their attention back on them, and they tell themselves they must act out in whatever way is necessary to get that to happen.
How to move forward
Managing the distress and chaos that one’s success or life celebrations causes thwarting partners is a complex task, one that requires two key approaches: continue to educate yourself about what an unhealthy relationship looks like by reading more on the subject, and seek social support and a realistic perspective from loved ones and a mental health professional. The healing and understanding process will take time, but it is possible if you are willing to do the work toward healthy change.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
