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In the 86 episodes of The Sopranos that aired for six seasons, the personality of mob boss Tony Soprano was subject to intense scrutiny, on and off air.
Tony Soprano’s psychiatrist, Dr. Jennifer Melfi, comments to her patient that she has observed, “This insatiable anger, this intolerance for frustration [at] any inconvenience or annoyance.” She inquires, “Where does this anger come from?” Janice, Tony’s sister, who has lived all her life coping with his anger (and has some difficulties along that line herself) watched him get into a physical fight and draw blood during a game of Monopoly. She exclaims, “I don’t know where your anger comes from.” At one point, Tony himself comments, “All this agitation wears me out.”
As viewers of this HBO classic drama know, Tony Soprano perceives life as a one-way street. Everyone must fulfill his expectations and affirm his inflated self-image. Tony and his associates are poised, constantly vigilant, ready to assert themselves and lash out at the slightest affront. A look or gesture can trigger their rage. They are constantly like a rubber band stretched taut, ready to burst. Tony Soprano approaches the world as though it is his personal chess board. People are pawns and are never to hesitate to do his bidding. He accommodates others usually when he has an ulterior motive or he is momentarily sentimental.
Over and over, Tony Soprano mistreats the people whom he loves. His wife Carmela strives to serve his every need. But if she is not in an upbeat, what can I do for you frame of mind, he lets her have it. He “loves” her but considers fidelity a burden. Despite pledges to reform, he continues pursuing sexual conquests of any woman whom he finds attractive. When he and Carmela separate, he tells her that she deserves “nothing.” Members within Tony’s family orbit are to be what he wants them to be. No one is spared his rage. Meadow, his daughter, has a boyfriend who is liberal in his political views. Tony excoriates him and embarrasses his daughter, resulting in the young man figuring out that he does not want this mobster as his future father-in-law. The relationship ends through no fault of Meadow’s. A.J., Tony’s son, resembles him in ways that he finds flattering. But when the boy objects to his father’s informing him that he must work at a construction job, Tony destroys the windshield of A.J.’s car and threatens to put him out on the street.
There is a scene in which Tony is relaxing by his pool reading a yachting magazine. As he is easing into his chair, he hears a rattling sound. Annoyed that anything would disrupt his serenity, he looks around to find the culprit. Upon discovering a grate rattling over a vent, he picks up the object and smashes it to the ground. He inflicts a lot worse on people who unsettle him or dare to challenge him. To oppose Tony Soprano is to risk meeting a gruesome end.
A man like Tony Soprano can never find peace. After his uncle Junior shoots him and he barely escapes dying, Tony proclaims that he treasures every day and is more appreciative of being alive. Even a near death experience makes no difference. He is the same man whose world is turned upside down by “any inconvenience or annoyance”.
Referring a person to “anger management” who has thought patterns that are anything like those of Tony Soprano is like trying to catch a tidal wave with a bucket. There is far too much anger to ever manage. That anger is based on a set of unrealistic expectations of other people. Instead of talking endlessly about the influence of Tony Soprano’s mother, perhaps Dr. Melfi should have been asking Tony questions like the following to motivate him to assess the costs of anger:
- Is anger making your life more difficult?
- Is anger harming your wife, your daughter, your son, and other family members whom you love?
- Is your anger depriving you of ever being at peace?
- What has anger accomplished that you value or has it only created more problems?
- What have you gained by destroying others with your anger?
The first step to take is to help a person recognize that anger is a problem rather than looking for ways to justify or manage it.
