Men Need More Than We May Think in the Bedroom

We spend a great deal of time discussing what women and men need in the bedroom. However, much of that talk has to do with physical needs. In the 80s, research showed that, while men often preferred the act of sex, women often preferred foreplay and afterplay (Denney, Field, & Quadagno, 1984). In other words, men only needed the main course while women needed appetizers, bread, and dessert.

We have been socialized to understand that women connect to the intimate moment in their minds well before they enter the bedroom. And, in heterosexual relationships, we expect men to honor this. However, we don’t spend a lot of time talking about what men need in the bedroom, likely because of the patriarchy under which we live.

Patriarchy is a system where men hold the power, privilege, and protection, and women are excluded from it. What does patriarchy look like in 2024?

• Men earning higher salaries than women for the same job.
• Women making up 27% of Congress while they make up more than 50% of the country (Blazina & Deliver, 2021).
• Men making decisions about women’s healthcare.
• Sexual violence being excused or explained away by what the survivor did or wore.
• Enjoying sexually explicit songs made by men that detail what they want to do to women’s bodies, but shunning the same lyrical content made by women (How many people lost their minds when Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion dropped “WAP?”).

In a world where everything is about what men want and need, women are often marginalized and learn to accept what is left, which is frustrating. However, it should be noted that feminism is an advocacy movement focused on equality among genders. Therefore, it’s not that feminists and womanists don’t want men to get their needs met. It’s that they don’t want women’s needs to be secondary to men’s.

Sharing your passion about your partner creates desire.

Source: PeopleImages / Getty Images

With that being said, there is a consistent theme growing in male sexual wellness—a theme that I think women have missed. In fact, I don’t think we’ve missed it; I think we’ve never talked about it.

Men want to feel desired, too.

For so long we have been taught that men don’t need to feel any of the fuzzies. They just need to have sex. However, that’s not what heterosexual men are saying in 2024. They are saying that they want to know that we want them. It turns out, they need the mental foreplay just as much as we do.

Anthony, 32, stated, “My fiance’ never initiates. I don’t think she realizes that her initiation tells me that she wants me. She already knows I want her because I’m always the initiator and I say it.”

Barron, 28, said, “Tell me you want me.”

Women have been socialized to be the catch, not the pursuer. More importantly, many of us have been taught that men don’t value women who are overt with their sexual desire or wants. Men prefer demure, subtle women who enjoy being chased and caught. While men may appreciate this perspective at the outset of a relationship, once a relationship settles (e.g., long-term partnership, cohabitating partners, and married people), men want to be the object of affection.

Ladies, try asking your man if being and feeling desired by you is important to him. If he answers affirmatively, here are some suggestions:

• Tell him how he looks when he gets dressed.
• Send texts during the day sharing your thoughts about your last intimate encounter.
• Leave a voicemail detailing your fantasies about your next love session.
• Tell him how attractive he is.
• Describe what happens to you when you think of him.
• Simply say, “I want you.”

It’s important to try different techniques and “wordplay” to figure out what really does it for him. Also, remember that as we age, our sexual preferences change. So, don’t get stuck in a holding pattern of saying the same thing and expecting the same result. Switch up your choices to see if there is a difference in his reaction.