Are Gay Dating Apps Incompatible With Finding Love?

This entry was co-authored with Dr. Adam Davies of the University of Guelph.

Recent years have seen a proliferation of websites and smartphone apps designed to help gay men pursue their sexual liberation in a digital age. Apps like Grindr capitalize on two of the strongest predictors of attraction: physical appearance and proximity, helping men scout out potential hook-ups in their environment right down to the meter.

But when apps are designed to provide immediate sexual gratification, are they capable of serving the needs of gay men seeking love and long-term relationships?

A recent study out of France by Christian Licoppe explored the conversational differences between users of Grindr and Tinder (with the former catering to gay men, while the latter is a dating application used by LGBTQ+ and heterosexual individuals).

By examining the conversational texts of participants who agreed to share their app chat history as well as through in-person interviews, Licoppe noted that gay men tended to describe a sense of “collective pressure” to conform to the subculture’s focus on hooking up through apps like Grindr. Moreover, Licoppe’s research found that heterosexual Tinder users were more likely to meet other users in a public space for a first date — even if a sexual encounter occurred after the date — whereas non-heterosexual Grindr users tended to head to an individual’s private residence immediately for the sexual encounter.

Cumulatively, Licoppe’s research illustrates that gay men who use apps might strategically limit the amount of romantic connotation in conversations online to ensure that the arranged meet-up remains strictly sexual in nature.

If gay men thus perceive the social norm on dating apps to be towards casual encounters, what is this likely to convey to men searching for love? A recent study out of the University of Toronto interviewed 41 men living in downtown Toronto to learn more about how gay men understood the concept of connection within the context of gay dating apps. More specifically, the study was interested in how participants' seeking short or long-term connections with others was associated with their sense of inclusion within gay dating apps’ online communities.

The research concluded that gay men felt they were expected to present themselves on dating apps as confident, self-assured, and without any insecurities. Conversely, any notion of insecurity, anxiety, or perceived "neediness" was shunned, viewed as a failure of masculinity (feminized), and painted as undesirable.

Are apps like Grindr changing the odds of finding love as a Gay man?

Source: Photo by ROMAN ODINTSOV from Pexels.

Previous research has shown that many gay men within apps prefer to present themselves in a masculinized fashion by presenting their bodies as fit and in-shape and using short phrases without any sentimental or romantic connotations. Some go so far as to expressly state their dislike for femininity or feminine partners by headlining their profiles with “No Femmes!”

Indeed, femmephobia, or the socio-cultural devaluation and subordination of femininity, is common within contemporary gay men’s spaces and has been associated with how men present themselves online. The University of Toronto study connected femmephobia to the experience of gay men on dating apps to explore how it might shape the way men feel they should interact with other gay men in online environments. In other words, might femmephobia be a contributing factor to the social norms of online dating for gay men that support short-term hookups and discourage the openly stated desire for a romantic relationship?

The study suggested that femmephobia and the feminization of being vulnerable, intimate, emotionally dependent, and/or romantic function together to discourage gay men from being intimate with each other about their feelings. This, in turn, presents challenges for developing a sense of connection with the gay community for men who do value the development of romantic connections.

One of the key findings of the study was the role that the apps themselves play in orienting men’s behaviours. While many men in the study reported joining apps like Grindr to seek out romantic relationships, they noted that they quickly learned the norms of the app, and thus they changed their language from seeking "dates" to looking for more casual hook-ups.

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The men also described learning to conform to the app’s unwritten rules by changing the tone of their communications with other men. For example, participants noted that they would carefully regulate the amount of emotional expressivity, being careful to avoid showing "too much" interest.

Ultimately, the participants not only discussed coming to conform behaviourally to the app’s unwritten rules but a process of actually internalizing certain "truths" about the gay male community, including that gay men, do not "date" and that hooking up is the normative expectation within gay men’s sexual cultures and communities.

Of course, the gay community fought long and hard for their sexual liberation and at every stage have been wary of those who would attempt to limit their sexual expression. At the same time, however, it seems that just as there are many gay men who seek a sexually liberated life, there are many others who seek the liberation to love, to love deeply, and to form lasting emotional bonds that underscore long-term romantic relationships. Thus, it doesn’t seem that the desires are what is missing, but rather, the platforms through which to seek and fulfill these desires while not losing a sense of connection and belonging to the gay community itself.