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So... fighting is bad right? Unless you are a prize fighter, we are taught to avoid conflict. Women in particular are taught to fix things emotionally. Talk it out. Hug it out. Listen. Men, on the other hand, are usually taught to avoid conflict. Unless you can't, and in that case... hash it out, and move on. Whatever it is... either fix it, or let it go. Or... maybe... stuff it down so deep in your psyche that it won't be a problem. Then move on.
Given these gender scripts, along with the high divorce rates in our society, conflict is seen as a bad thing in marriage. Bad for all—even same-sex couples—and especially the kids who happen to be there when it happens. Sometimes it is necessary, but generally it is bad. The question that has me thinking these days is: when it comes to marriage, is all conflict bad?
The answer, not surprisingly, is... nope. It depends on the type of conflict, the timing of the conflict, the people involved in the conflict, and who wins the fight. Yes, I know, thinking about winning and losing is not a good idea when it comes to marriage—but let's be honest—we all do. Who won this fight? Who lost that battle? Why are all the socks *NOT* in the laundry basket? How on earth can I get her to unload the dishwasher? And... is this a deal breaker?
More surprisingly, perhaps, is that conflict is good. Or, at least, it can be. Researchers have long tried to figure out how to stop conflict, how to minimize it, or how to mediate it. Or, conversely, how to predict who will have it and prevent them from getting married. But, the truth is that conflict happens. Frequently. Sometimes quietly. Sometimes very loudly, and very violently, and then other people HAVE to intervene. So when is conflict good? And when is it so bad that someone should intervene?
These are not easy answers. But I can offer a few insights based on my research, my reading, and my experience.
First, don't avoid conflict at all costs. If you do that, the other person may not think that anything is wrong. Then they will get used to how things are. Then... eventually when you can't take it anymore, and you decide to bring it up... they will be blindsided. No one likes to be blindsided (except maybe Michael Oher?). So, bring it up. If you hate it when your partner leaves the toilet seat up—tell them! Mention it. Then ask them politely to put it down. And if that doesn't work, leave them hilarious post it notes on the toilet. If they don't know you hate it, they will keep doing it. Let them know.
Second, don't nag. Yeah, yeah, I know... sometimes you can't help it. You may feel like you are asking them to pick up their nasty wet towels CONSTANTLY, and they are not listening. The thing about nagging is that it doesn't work... eventually... because the other person tunes it out. This is called the "nag/withdraw cycle" or the "pressure-distancer pattern" by relationship experts like John Gottman and divorce specialists like E. Mavis Hetherington. Basically, if you bring something up all the time, it becomes "noise" to the other person and they acclimate to it. Or, they get so annoyed that they just leave the room (or turn up the TV). This is not productive, and is a really bad way to go about solving an issue. So... pick your battles (as they say), and find a way to communicate your wishes without bringing it up ALL THE TIME. Solving the issue is the goal. And, if you can reach some sort of compromise, that is the best-case-scenario.
Finally, and this is an important one, try to SOLVE the root of the conflict. Talk it out. Set up a meeting to talk it out. Go to a marriage counselor and have him or her help you two to talk it out. Don't resort to yelling, and screaming, and worse... and then end up worse off than you started. I know this is hard. I know asking for help is like admitting defeat. But it is worth it! (YOU are worth it). And it, at first, you don't succeed—try, try again. Try another way (like writing each other letters). Try another counselor (because not all counselors are the one who can help you). Try. As P¡nk says, "You have to get up and try, try, try...."
As always, I am here of you have comments or questions. Be kind to one another, and try to work it out. :)
