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I recently took my family to see the movie Interstellar. The foundation of this movie had to do with the fact that the earth was dying and the protagonist, a former astronaut named Cooper, embarked on a mission to find another planet that could sustain human life. Without giving anything away, the astronaut returned to earth, having aged only a few years, to find his young daughter to be an old woman.
In addition to the adventure and human relationship aspects to this movie, I became fascinated about the nature of time and its relevance to human happiness. Avoiding all the complexities and changes that Einstein brought to the Newtonian way of thinking about time, I want to draw these distinctions for you between time and space.
(1) While we can choose to move to some other location in space, say from the living room to the kitchen, it’s impossible to travel to some other time. As much as I would like to, I cannot go back years to visit my Mom and Dad. Time relentlessly marches forward, whereas we can go forward or backwards, up or down, in space.
(2) We think of a distinct location as real, although we may not be there at the moment to experience it. For example, I sit now in Virginia, but I have faith that the St. Louis Arch, the Grand Canyon in Arizona, and the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco really exist at this moment. However, we think of reality as being in one moment of time, although this moment includes everything in the universe right now. Different places exist as real, whether or not we are there, but neither the past nor the future are real at this moment. The past is over with and the future is yet to be.
(3) While we may use artifacts from the past, (e.g., our memory, pictures, diaries) to make sound decisions about how to conduct ourselves in the present, and while we would be wise to think about how our present decisions may affect our yet-to-be future, the only present reality we have is today.
So, what's this got to do with happiness? So many people use so much of their present time dwelling on the past – longing for what no longer exists, blaming others for long-ago slights, damning themselves for blunders and stupidities from their yesterdays – that they block themselves from the pleasures that exist today. Still others worry so much about the negative things that could possibly happen in the yet-to-exist future that they prevent any pleasure that may exist in their moments of now.
Alcoholics Anonymous has it right. While learning from the past and being careful to not ruin the future with ill-conceived decisions today, take it one day at a time. Be sure to focus on bringing happiness to your life today.
So, dear reader, here are five strategies you could use to bring pleasure and happiness to yourself today.
• Don't should on yourself. Shoulding on yourself is about the past, blaming and condemning yourself for the mistakes and oversights you made yesterday. Shoulding on yourself means you are being perfectionistic; you are going beyond regretting your faults to demanding that you should not have ever erred. “I should have done this.” “I shouldn’t have done that.” Worse, you are damning yourself as totally rotten for your mistakes. Better to note your errors and mistakes, acknowledge that you are a fallible human being prone to such goofs, forgive yourself, and welcome them as learning opportunities.
• Never need. Needing is thinking that something you want in your future is absolutely essential to your life and your happiness. Nonsense! No matter how much you may desire something – some loved one to love you back, a particular job, some desirable outcome – it is only better for you to have it, never necessary. Besides, not having what you want does not eliminate everything else that you have in life. The bottom line: be a big wanter, and go for it, but never convince yourself that you need what you want.
• Pay attention to the little things. Of course we want to enjoy the concert of our dreams, the vacation in Europe, the 50-year high school reunion. But, don't ignore the little pleasures that populate your life every single day – the first taste of coffee in the morning, the hug when you reunite with your loved one at the end of the day, the sweet smile on your child's face. If you keep an eye out for these small pleasures, you'll find them everywhere. If you embrace to them, you'll find yourself experiencing tons of happiness virtually each and every day.
• Focus on what's good. As I've preached throughout these blogs, your mind is a voluntary muscle. You can choose where you focus your attention. One choice is to focus on what you and others do wrong, what's missing in life, what's wrong with your job, the weather, or your annoying neighbor. This is a recipe for bitterness and depression. Choice two is to focus on what's good in your life. Imagine focusing and appreciating the other person's fine qualities, what blessings you have, the opportunities for pleasure and reward that exist in each of your days. What a formula for daily pleasure and happiness.
• Use your past. Earlier I referred to memory as an artifact. By that I meant that, like a diary, a scrapbook, or a picture album, it is a depository of things you've experienced in the past. Instead of looking at the past events in your life that were negative and difficult, how about looking back and making a list of the good things that you experienced – the birth of your child, that teacher in high school who recognized your potential, the homerun you hit in Little League. Like in basketball, you can create a Highlight Reel of the good from your past that you can review and remember with gratitude.
Going Forward
Today is all we have: the past is forever gone and tomorrow may never come. If you don't make use of the one and only day you know for certain you'll ever have – today – you are being foolish.
So, I want to recommend that you take charge of bringing pleasure and happiness into each one of your todays – starting today! Here's how to do it.
(1) Review the five strategies I discussed above;
(2) Select one to begin the process;
(3) Focus on integrating that strategy into your daily life for two weeks;
(4) Once you've mastered that one, select a second one and focus on it, plus the preceding one, for two more weeks;
(5) Then, add a third, and so on, until all five are integrated into your daily routine.
I predict you'll find more pleasure and happiness in your life after completing this strategy. I sure hope so. I also hope all these blogs help you along on the road to happiness. But, don't forget – you've got to work at it to make it happen. Do so with passion and purpose.
Russell Grieger, Ph.D. is the author of several self-help books, all designed to empower people to create a life they love to live. These include: Unrelenting Drive; Marriage On Purpose; and The Happiness Handbook (in preparation). You may contact Dr. Grieger for more information at grieger@cstone.net.
