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Key points
- People make decisions all the time, from insignificant to life-changing.
- To make a choice, they have to give something up in return.
- Acknowledging what they are losing and properly mourning it can help them feel more secure in their decisions.
We face choices every day. Some are small: Should I order the chicken or the fish? Should I buy that new backpack? Should I volunteer to present at a meeting? Others are bigger: Should I look for a new job? Should I leave my relationship? Should I have a baby?
Many things go into the way we make these decisions, including our temperaments, our feelings, and the advice of others. Sometimes we choose one thing, and sometimes we choose another. But if we are going to be at peace after the choice, we have to realize that choice means loss. If there is no loss, there is no true choice. So, we have to learn to mourn the lost possibilities our choice will eliminate. If we can do that, we can choose more easily and be at peace with what we have chosen.
Recently, I made a choice: During the pandemic, many organizations with which I am engaged shifted to having evening meetings. When working remotely, evening meetings were suddenly convenient, requiring a simple after-dinner log-in from the comfort of home. But once back in the office, these meetings made for a painfully long day.
There are so many things I like about these meetings. I enjoy my local and national colleagues, some of whom are my closest friends. The content is meaningful to me, and I like being part of new initiatives. If I go to the meetings, I can see my colleagues and possibly help to effect change. If I don’t, I can relax after work.
I have faced this choice before. This year, I decided to say no to all evening meetings. That was a choice. Once I made it, I felt relieved. But I also had to mourn some loss.
What is mourning?
Mourning most commonly refers to feelings after a death, but it is much more than that: It is coming to terms with any loss, not just that of a loved one. It involves letting something go, and if we can embrace mourning in our everyday life, we can function more effectively and happily.
This is different than rationalizing. Rationalization sounds like, “I didn’t really want to do that anyway,” or “I never really wanted that.” Remembering the fox who, unable to reach the grapes he wanted to eat, told himself, “They were probably sour anyway,” we can call rationalizing the “sour grapes approach" to choice.
We all rationalize all the time. The problem with that approach to choosing is that by using it, we’re saying that we never really wanted the other option. And, frankly, that’s rarely true. When we choose, there’s always a part of us that is attached to the alternate possibility. That’s what makes it a choice. Big or small, that part is there, and we’re likely to have to make the choice while it’s still something that we also really want.
True mourning requires acknowledging that we really did want the other choice but that we are consciously opting not to get it in order to get something else. That’s power. That’s a choice.
This, by the way, is hard to do. It’s hard to leave that pair of jeans in the store or not take a new job opportunity. Even if you leave the jeans because you want to save the money for a trip, or if you turn down the job opportunity because your family is happy in your current town, part of you really wanted those possibilities, or it wouldn’t feel like a choice.
So, rather than saying, “Those jeans are overpriced,” or “You know, the benefits of that job really weren’t so good,” try saying, “Those were great jeans. I wanted them. But I wanted the trip more.” Or, “That is truly a great job. But I opted to prioritize my family’s comfort and happiness.”
Mourning is a lifelong practice.
Try this approach the next time you have to make a choice. Here are some suggested guidelines:
- Outline the choice on paper. What are the two (or more) options?
- Think: Which one do I want more? If I could have only one, which one would it be?
- Once you have made a choice, outline what you are losing. Allow yourself to acknowledge that it is truly something that you wanted and that you are consciously giving it up.
- Allow yourself to have feelings about giving up those possibilities, and know that you could have those feelings for a little while.
We can’t have everything in life. But we often have the power to make choices. I will miss seeing my colleagues and being centrally involved in their interesting projects. But I know that choice means loss and that in order to choose, I have to mourn the loss of those possibilities. It’s the mourning of everyday life.
