Are We All Narcissists? 14 Criteria to Explore

It’s almost impossible not to embody at least a single narcissistic trait. Here’s why:

When we’re young children, we’re acutely vulnerable. We’re not yet equipped to take care of ourselves, so we’re utterly dependent on our caretakers for sustenance. And yet they often criticize us. True, they may only be endeavoring to teach us appropriate behaviors and boundaries—in a sense, to “civilize” us. But over time such negative evaluations take their toll. They typically do damage to our core sense of self and make us question whether there’s something wrong with us, whether (in short) we’re good enough.

Doubting ourselves and not sure whether we actually deserve to be loved and cared about, we try to adapt to our insecurely felt environment as best we can: to “earn” our parents’ (and others’) positive regard—which, regrettably, we perceive as conditional. Early in our lives, we lack the cognitive maturity to self-validate, to convince ourselves of our intrinsic human value independent of how the outside world seems to view us. So we’re destined—at times, doomed—to rely on others to confirm our worth. Sadly, we give them more authority to evaluate us than we do ourselves.

Reacting so personally to others’ judgments, despite them generally being based more on their unresolved issues, particular preferences, or unrealistic standards, we naturally get into the habit of looking for ways to make up for our supposed defects. Although it’s largely unconscious, we strive to compensate for these assumed weaknesses and shortcomings by doing things—and thinking things—to quell the anxiety experienced when we sense we’re not meeting the approval criteria that, presumably, others have set for us.

By way of qualification, I should add that there’s a genetic component to all of this, so it’s not entirely our environment that fosters such negatively distorted survival programming. Moreover, just as some children are more sensitive to parental criticism than others, some parents are simply better at making their children feel accepted—regardless of the child’s often errant behaviors.

Even beyond these divergences, if parents routinely give the child the message that they’re “golden” (and so, entitled to get whatever they want), that overblown favorable message can be as powerful in fostering a maladaptive narcissism as having parents who harshly scrutinize or scapegoat the child. In markedly disparate ways, both types of parenting hinder the child from developing a strong, resilient ego. Rather, these extreme messages are likely to lead the child, once an adult, to possess a fragile ego easily provoked by external criticism or blame.

And I should also add that it’s essential to distinguish between what’s commonly called healthy narcissism and unhealthy (or malignant ) narcissism. As one writer puts it, rightly emphasizing that narcissism must be understood as existing on a continuum, the former personality “operates from a place of goodwill towards another person, while the [latter] “operates from a place of ill will” (from “Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Narcissism,” no author or date given).

Shannon Thomas, in a piece entitled “Are We All Narcissists?” portrays how all of us, though not warranting this denigrating label, nonetheless can exhibit reprehensible narcissistic traits:

Within any given moment, do we all have the ability to be completely self-serving, manipulative, snarky to a stranger, snap at our kids, slam doors in the middle of an adult temper-tantrum, seek our own self-preservation at the expense of someone else, and so on? Sure we do! No one would argue that people can be real dirtbags at times. However, once the moment of our toddler-esque meltdown is over, we feel bad. We realize what a jerk we were and are embarrassed that we took our inner annoyance out on another person. We apologize by saying sorry, doing something nice for the other person or ... inwardly repent for being hostile towards a stranger. We come back to our baseline of being a normally decent human being ... Narcissists can not do that. They can not, will not, don’t desire to be, self-reflective [and] always blame others. (June 4, 2017)

Finally, Jeffrey Kluger, in his “The Narcissist in All of Us,” makes a further distinction—this one between pathological narcissists and what he calls “tribal narcissists”—which, he laments, is universal. Focusing first on the more “individual” narcissist, he also uses the vernacular to colorfully describe them. They’re:

the preeners, the mirror-gazers, the blowhards, the braggarts, the colleagues or family members who go on and on about themselves but whose eyes take on a sleepy glaze the moment you find a crack of conversational daylight and try to talk about yourself. They're the reality show exhibitionists, the NFL end-zone dancers. They're the bosses who bully you, the friends who exhaust you, the lovers who charm the pants off you—sometimes literally—then never call again.

Kluger next takes pains to contrast this characterological malignancy with the disappointing “normal" narcissism of a tribe, which he views as a “global affliction,” observing:

Human beings are social creatures ... But being social implies bands, and bands imply favoring your own above all others. [And needing] to feel good about ourselves ... we tell ourselves that we favor our own kind because we’re smarter, prettier, better, more virtuous, more caring—a superior breed of people in a world filled with lesser ones. (adapted from The Narcissist Next Door, in Psychology Today, Sept 2, 2014)

So what it all boils down to is that unhealthy narcissism, whether on a personal or tribal level, involves a fundamentally disparaging—sometimes even scornful—orientation toward others. On the contrary, healthy narcissism stops well short of this interpersonal offensiveness, though even here the qualities exhibited aren’t particularly admirable. True, we’re not so single-mindedly, or ruthlessly, pursuing our interests that we’re quite willing to hurt and exploit others. But in trying to make up for old self-doubts and insecurities, we’re definitely capable of not considering the wants and needs, or thoughts and feelings, of others.

Below I’ll list what typically are understood to be narcissistic traits. Still, it can hardly be over-stressed that each exists on a continuum. (And here you might want to look at my far more detailed “Six Signs of Narcissism You May Not Know About.”) For each feature depicted, you might ask yourself—or someone who in some ways knows you better than yourself—just how far out on the pole you belong. But be fair to yourself, too. Unless you’re bell-ringing on many of these traits, you’re probably at the healthier end of the spectrum. And by this I mean that, similar to virtually all of us, you’re merely trying to persuade that still insecure child inside you that, as an adult, you are good enough.

So consider whether the ways you conduct yourself with others are not so much meant to harm or take advantage of them, but rather, aimed at getting their approval or developing the confidence that as a child, because of your fault-finding parents, was frequently elusive. If deep inside, you still harbor some nagging feelings of inferiority, you may compulsively be looking for areas to demonstrate the opposite.

In your unconscious mind, merely being average may actually be linked to being below average. Given the unusually high standards that your family may have imposed on you, not excelling may actually have come to mean failing. Remember, we all need to feel we’re regarded favorably—good enough, competent enough, attractive enough to be cared for, and loved. Try, then, to see the following not-so-positive descriptors in that self-compassionate light. And if you realize that, yes, you’ve been “overdoing” it to convince yourself and others of your worth, reflect on whether you might now want to moderate these not very flattering personality characteristics:

Grandiosity. Might you be over-confident, or cocky? Do you tend to magnify your achievements? Or, so that people will see you as “special,” hasten to call attention to your various talents and accomplishments? Do you have a habit of showing off—or been told by others that you do? Are you prone to bragging, making sure that others won’t doubt your (self-alleged) importance or superiority?

True, we’d all like others to know of our successes, and there’s such a thing as healthy pride. It’s when, at every turn, we go “all-out” to impress others that we need to realize we’ve been taken over by this (highly compensatory) narcissistic trait.

Fantasies of Greatness. Do you dream of incalculable wealth, unlimited power, head-turning beauty, or being adored infinitely beyond what reality could ever offer? Here—to the max!— is an imagined “restitution” for what you never got, or got enough of, in childhood. So if this description even roughly mirrors your fantasy life, it’s an indication that unconsciously you may be trying to repair the psychological harm your family (however unintentionally) did to you.

Arrogance. Is your praiseful self-regard over-the-top? Do you put yourself on a pedestal so you can look down on others? Again, your motive may be to assure your original caretakers (now residing inside your head) that you do have value, that you’re more than good enough to fit in and be loved. But such a haughty attitude can’t be expected to “play well” with those around you. For they’ll be offended by the abusiveness, rudeness, or condescension of your behavior.

Sense of Entitlement. Before we emerge from the womb, we have been entitled. Without the slightest effort on our part, all our survival needs were taken care of. So at an instinctual level, we may feel that this is our birthright. When our needs, especially our emotional needs, aren’t met by our caretakers, our embryonic sense of entitlement takes a major hit.

Mental health professionals call this “narcissistic injury.” It’s hard to love ourselves if we’re not entirely convinced our own parents do. So here, too, compensating for this lack by (re)developing a narcissistic sense of entitlement is a way to give ourselves the reassurance we didn’t receive from our family. And indirectly, it can lead us to treat other people poorly—without much fellow feeling, and sometimes even with contempt. Hardly an endearing characteristic, and the main reason that over time narcissists tend to exhaust their support systems.

Manipulation and Exploitation. Deep down, do you view others as objects to be used to shore up your self-esteem? Do you focus on how you can profit from your relationship with them (and not reflect on how they might profit from yours)? Or how you can control them, get your way with them? And all without any felt obligation to reciprocate any favors they might extend to you—since, after all, you feel “entitled” to get whatever they’re willing to offer). If so, it’s as though in the past you felt cheated by your parents, and now, in retaliation, feel justified to subordinate others’ needs to “cheat them back.” (And this might be all the more irresistible if the “others” are your present-day family, and you can now demand what earlier you felt helpless about.)

Status-seeking. Do you make multiple efforts to befriend or associate with people of high status? And if you succeed, do you let as many people know about it as possible? Do you “announce” yourself through possessions that flagrantly display your superior station—such as owning (or leasing) a Ferrari, Jaguar, or Mercedes? And does doing these things somehow feel almost essential to you?

Envy. Do you frequently experience envy toward others’ having what you lack? On the contrary, do you fantasize about others envying you because they view you as better than they? At times, it’s only natural for us to wish we were as fortunate or had the advantages of others. But when it becomes obsessive, it betrays a certain narcissism.

Selfishness. Do you routinely disregard the needs of others, maybe even those of your children? It’s one thing to give your wants and needs priority: to honor and respect them, and to be self-nurturing. It’s something else, however, to always put your preferences ahead of others’—and in the process, be totally oblivious to being unfair to them.

Self-absorption. How preoccupied are you with yourself? Are you too self-involved to attend to others when they’re trying to get through to you? Do they accuse you of not listening to them? Might they need regularly to repeat themselves ‘cause it’s difficult for you to stay tuned-in when you’re not the center of attention? In general, how difficult is it for you to be there for others? And does what others want—or want to tell you—really matter to you? If something genuinely concerns them, does it then concern you, too? (And note here my related post: “Can You Help a Narcissist Become Less Self-Absorbed?”)

Lack of Empathy. Are you interested in others’ feelings? Can you identify with them? Are you willing to? Or do their feelings seem mostly irrelevant, hardly worth your concern unless their sharing them might allow you to gain some advantage over them? And might the nature of your relationships generally revolve around others’ empathizing with you—to help elevate your precarious sense of importance?

Need for Flattery and Adulation. Do you fish for compliments? Do you prefer being with people who freely express admiration for you? Who looks up to you?—or “suck up” to you? If you rarely, if ever, received recognition as a child, you may reveal an obsessive need to compensate for such deprivation by soliciting accolades from others.

Sensitivity to Criticism—and Wide-Ranging Defensiveness in Reaction to It. If your self-esteem or self-acceptance isn’t firmly rooted within you, you’re going to constantly need others to stabilize it. And when they don’t or seem downright critical of you, you’ll feel (from the very depths of your being) extremely vulnerable—ancient self-doubts bubbling up to the surface. To ward off such a perceived blow to your much-too-fragile ego, you’re likely to overreact to them by going into “fight-for-your-life” mode. (And here, see my “The Narcissist’s Dilemma: They Can Dish It Out, But ... ”)

Striving to protect yourself from such adverse evaluation, you’ll self-righteously project their criticism back onto them—criticizing them, reading them the riot act, or (if feasible) expelling them from your life altogether. Taking a good, hard look at yourself requires a fairly strong ego, and if your ego is much more inflated (and so, puncturable) than robust or resilient, you’ll be driven to blame anyone daring to point out mistakes, failures, or flaws you’ve long labored to hide from yourself.

Anger Problems. Intimately related to the above, if you’re super-sensitive to being criticized, having requests denied, not being responded to as superior, having your motives challenged, etc., you’ll have a very short fuse. Anger control issues are rife among narcissists since fits of temper are so immediately powerful in helping them counter others’ threatening their ability to feel good about themselves. So ask yourself: “Do I get mad about as often as other people?” And also, “Have others told me they’re scared, or hurt, by the frequency or intensity of my anger?”

Boundary Issues. How much do you respect others’ boundaries? For that matter, if you’re really self-preoccupied, how much do you even recognize them? In addition, are you all-too-ready to share intimate (and even shameful) details about your life, and feel free to insist that others do the same? One often overlooked trait in narcissists is their social insensitivity to what others are comfortable within relationships. For they have difficulty discerning where they end and someone else begins since they see others principally as “objects”—entities existing mainly to gratify their needs and desires.

That about sums it up. My guess is that if you’ve been brutally honest with yourself, you related (though, hopefully, not that much) to at least a few of the above characterizations. If so, just realize that this doesn’t make you a bad person ... just a fairly normal one.

Nonetheless—and regardless of your caretakers’ inability to always make you feel good enough—if you’re fully committed to work on unconditionally accepting yourself, you’ll find that whatever your narcissistic tendencies, they’ll gradually fade away. For whether or not you require professional assistance to achieve this feat, the various psychological wounds you may have sustained in childhood can, in time, be healed.

© 2018 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.