Why Silence in a Relationship Isn't Golden

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

The Strange Ambiguity of Silence

At first blush, this common expression should, intuitively, feel humane and reasonable. Indeed, its logic is rarely questioned in the literature. Yet, across various interpersonal contexts, the supposed virtue of silence is debatable. Even within a single context, its wisdom, at times, is disputable.

There’s also the complementary maxim, “silence is golden,” despite the so-called “silent treatment” associated with vengefulness, abandonment, scorn, and repudiation.

When interviewed, philosophers and scientists at Johns Hopkins University agreed that silence could produce the same results as its sound-based counterparts and that, ironically, people “hear” silence similar to how they hear words (Goh et al., 2023).

Moreover, just as actions speak louder than words, at times, silence speaks louder still. Analogically, consider that secretive whispering can capture as much (or more) of our attention as emotionally uncontrolled shouting.

In short, the popular adage extolling silence is far more simplistic—which is to say, reductive or ambiguous—than typically realized, its truthfulness taken mostly on faith.

But to best understand the starkly contrary meanings silence can suggest, facts must triumph over faith. And the facts ought to persuade us that the undeniable relativity of this common expression is far too complex and paradoxical to be easily resolved—if it’s resolvable at all.

As one author (Kimberly Drake, 2022) points out, the interpersonal meaning of a person’s silence depends on many factors. And (paraphrased) the following list enumerates just a few:

• The (also nonverbal) facial expression accompanying the silence (not to mention body posture, movement, and gestures) may reveal vividly what the lack of verbal articulation alone cannot.
• What one person intends to convey through their silence may be radically different from what another might wish to transmit, for their personal histories—and the psychological defenses emerging from them—might diverge irreconcilably.
• The culture in which the silence occurs can itself determine its meaning: In some cultures, for example, it implies wisdom or respect; in others, it is an absence of interest or unwillingness to engage.

These factors help explain why silence can lead to miscommunication—reacted to as toxic when its intentions are benign, or benign when it’s actually adversarial. This is why we may want to explore a person’s background before deciding how to interpret their nonverbal behavior.

Attempting to sum up why silence can be so perplexing, another writer (Rachael Pace, 2023) suggests five things silence could mean (and again, I’m paraphrasing her hypotheses.):

1. At the moment (whether that “moment” be a minute, hour, or beyond), the individual is too busy to respond to you—and besides, you may not be their highest priority.

2. What you said caught them unawares. Not having anticipated your remark, they’re not yet prepared to reply, so, as the best alternative, they choose silence.

3. (As in, “Some things are better left unsaid.”) Since anything explicitly stated, however hurtful or damaging, can never be taken back, a person may not reply to you out of kindness, compassion, or thoughtful diplomacy. It can be a delicate way of their saying, “I totally disagree,” or “I’m just not interested in having a relationship with you.”

4. If you paused in your communication (a “pregnant pause,” perhaps?), they may falsely have concluded that you’d finished whatever you wanted to say. But your momentary silence wasn’t meant to convey that you were done with the conversation—or with them.

5. They needed more time to process what you told them. That is, their silence didn’t mean they were nonverbally judging you or dismissing out of hand what you shared with them, but that they weren’t yet sure how to respond.

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Therefore, unless you can somehow sneak into their psyche, you can only speculate what their silence signified. So rather than blurt out something that could worsen the (for you) tense situation, it makes sense to hold off responding (i.e., be silent yourself).

Couples Communication and the Downsides of Silence

There are so many facets of silence—positive, negative, and countless points in between—that a single post couldn’t possibly do justice to all of them. Consequently, I’ll limit my discussion here to how silence can short-circuit the understanding that’s a prerequisite to genuine partner intimacy.

Obviously, no one is going to share themselves with anybody they deem untrustworthy or non-supportive. So when we divulge to our significant other something extremely personal or disclose to them a particularly private, deep-seated belief, we expect them to respond favorably to confirm our disquieting reality.

Hence, when our partner remains mute, it can feel like a punch in the gut. It can make us question who we are or what we believe is valid for them—whether they see it as making realistic sense. We may not show it, but absent a positive response, we’re likely to feel let down, disappointed, destabilized, and distressed.

We hoped that confiding more deeply in our partner would grow our relationship and be a rewarding experience. But instead, we ended up feeling disapproved of, maybe even rebuked.

Our bid for greater intimacy has, as it were, been rebuffed; brushed off. Therefore, as regards sharing something we’ve been reluctant to share with anyone, we may lament having been so undefendedly open with them. And that now regretted confidence could involve a humiliating dream or an exceptionally personal flaw or fragility (such as a chronic doubt about our physical appearance or a still unrectified, shame-based trauma).

However ambiguously, silence always messages something. So regrettably, it’s all too possible that we’ll evaluate their silence as passive-aggressive, that they’re purposely withholding what surely they’d know we needed from them.

Without receiving the compassionate reassurance we expected, we’ll probably experience something akin to defeat. At its worst, our sense of betrayal will compromise the here-and-now conversation and our relationship generally, for it may no longer feel as safe as it had previously.

Moreover, suppose (although unconsciously) their silence is reminiscent of any silent treatment we suffered growing up. In that case, it will foster in us feelings of anxiety going well beyond the present-day provocation. And that, in turn, can deal a blow to our self-esteem and weaken our sense of relational security.

In sum, while this post is hardly meant to negate the often-mentioned benefits of interactive silence, it’s designed, admittedly, to stress that (contrary to being golden) silence can sometimes be leaden. For it has the potential to be cumbersome, oppressive, mean-spirited—and about the most irksome response you might get from someone whose support feels critical to you.

© 2023 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.

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