Overcoming Significant Losses and Moving On

Many of us have been in situations where we had difficulty adapting or even accepting a change in our lives. Perhaps it was the end of a long-term relationship, or retirement, or not being able to fulfill an important goal. Although such experiences are not unusual, they can require many adjustments if one is to “move on.”

When people experience a loss or an event that disrupts their equilibrium, it is not uncommon to ignore or minimize its effect. If confronted with the reality of the loss, they may adopt a “hopeful wishes attitude” that they can return to that which “once was.” For some, this may be true, but often it is not.

The desire to resist changes in circumstances often leads to perseveration, which may impede acceptance and growth. The reality of life is that we do not have control over all circumstances we may encounter; however, we do have the ability to put these matters into perspective and make appropriate adjustments. This is not to say that we give up without an appropriate response to avoid or minimize the loss, but only that we remain reality-bound and find a healthy way to deal with the change.

One of the hardest losses to overcome is losing a romantic relationship. It may have been promoted by infidelity, one partner wanting more than the other partner can give, or external circumstances that caused a fissure in the relationship. In some instances, the couple can repair their relationship or reach a compromise. But, for many, this may not be possible.

Another loss that can affect people is the changing of roles. For example, a person facing retirement, an “empty nest,” or the death of a spouse. Each event incorporates loss and an imposed change of circumstances. Some are forced to accept their situation (e.g., mandatory retirement; personal issues).

Transition into a new “life” can arouse a great deal of anxiety and the loss of identity. For some, their jobs give them meaning and purpose; by losing this, their self-worth can be impacted. Similarly, parents whose children leave home may have difficulties adjusting to the loss. They may not know what to do with themselves and may be profoundly impacted.

Goal setting can also set one up for disappointment. Perseverance is the antithesis of “giving up,” but maintaining such determination when success is unlikely generally produces negative consequences.

What should a person do when feeling a significant loss?

Romantic Relationships

Rumination is common after an unexpected event occurs. Questioning the “how” and “why” are inevitable and productive inquiries where the person cognitively processes the negative experience. O’Connor and Canevello (2019) found that in cases of infidelity when the betrayed partner processes their experience, it can lead to an awareness of one’s needs and preferences. Thus, deliberately ruminating can be “an adaptive process, one of recovery and moving on.” The same can apply to break-ups for other reasons.

A person betrayed by a romantic partner may have mental pictures and recurring thoughts of the partner’s unfaithfulness. The positive effects of experiencing this can be an examination of one’s core beliefs and a reexamination of what one wants and needs in a partner (O’Connor & Canevello, 2019). Achieving this self-awareness requires rumination and evaluation of oneself, either by introspection or with the assistance of a mental health professional.

Doing so encourages the betrayed partner to realize better if the relationship can be saved or whether it is best to “let go” and look for someone who is better suited for them. This does not imply that infidelity is a good thing; it can be devastating. However, if one is to recover from this, a decision must be made to repair or sever the relationship and move forward. If the parties remain together, mental health treatment would be beneficial in assisting them with their ability to repair their relationship.

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Retirement and Other Role Transitions

When one retires, the person loses their routine and may not know how to define themself. Conroy and O’Leary (2014) discuss how at the time of retirement, people no longer have the same work-related identity, nor do they know what their new identity will be. These experiences are similar for parents whose children have left home and any other role transition. Creating a new role identity can be overwhelming. Being in this limbo state reminds people of their loss and the uncertainty of their future.

A successful transition relies on “how one lets go of the past and moves forward” (Conroy & O’Leary, 2014). Some who accept their status will review their life, feel fortunate they have come to this stage, and go on a journey of what new adventures lie ahead. They will evolve and perhaps acquire a new role identity (e.g., volunteer, grandparent, teacher).

Overcoming Frustration in Pursuing a Goal

How much persistence or perseverance should a person expend on pursuing a goal? If one persists in trying to attain something unattainable, it can lead to detrimental consequences, such as distress, low self-esteem, and avoiding difficult goals in the future (Ntoumanis & Sedikides, 2018). Unexpected obstacles for those who like to plan their lives can send them into a tailspin if they cannot adjust. Moreover, for those who place great importance on achieving a goal, failure may be unmooring and lead to serious psychological consequences.

To deal with the frustrations of failure or impeding circumstances beyond one’s control, it is imperative that the individual be guided to recognize and understand that not all goals can be met, but learning can be achieved. It has been found that if one pursues a goal for personal reasons (e.g., self-satisfaction, enjoyment, or personal benefit), the individual will be more persistent and committed to attaining success than if the goal is based on guilt or pressure (Ntoumanis & Sedikides, 2018). However, there is still the need to recognize the point when it is best to accept an unattainable goal and let go cognitively and emotionally.

Many of us may be confronted with painful or unwanted transitions. Consequently, we can experience feelings of helplessness, grief for what we lost, worry, as well as anxiety for what lies ahead. Although these emotional reactions are understandable, they are also impeding if experienced for too long. “Moving on” as best as we can is the antidote to deterioration and stagnation. It takes courage and perseverance, but it also representants the forward evolution of life.