Mourning a Loved One’s Death

The death of a loved one can be a devastating loss for those left behind. We experience so many psychological and physical symptoms, like intense sadness, loss of energy and appetite, physical pain in various parts of the body, disturbed sleep, and a sense of disorientation. Mourning may turn into despair, where the suffering sharpens and becomes more rather than less painful as time goes on.

Those closely related to the deceased, such as parents and spouses, are often the most adversely affected and undergo far more complicated grief in comparison to other non-related bereaved individuals. For example, they may experience anger, disbelief, longing for their loved one, and frequent thoughts of the deceased relative as well as the deceased’s death (Shear et al., 2005). How mourners process and react to their relative’s death is important in understanding how well they will recover. Many professionals who study the grief process believe that the concept of “meaning” plays a major role in one’s reactions and restoration.

“What does the death of your loved one mean to you?”

Trying to make sense of life is a universal human characteristic and tends to turn up when tragedy strikes. For example:

• “Why do things happen as they do?”
• “How do I make sense of this so that I can move forward and not remain in a state of limbo, let alone despair and pain?”

Any loss in our life diminishes us, and the greater the loss, the more we may feel overwhelmed and unmoored. In an attempt to cope, we grieve. Often it is during the grieving process when we try to understand and re-evaluate ourselves and the world in light of the loss we experienced:

• “How will I go on without my lifelong mate?”
• “Who will be there for me now that my father can no longer give me advice and be my rock?”
• “What is my purpose in life if not to care for my child?”

This analysis on those grieving can be very unsettling and may lead to maladaptive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Thus, the attempt to look for meaning is a way to achieve balance in an unstabilizing situation.

One group of researchers, Gamino et al. (2002), conducted research to understand how bereaved individuals made sense of their loved one’s death. They asked the question, “What does the death of your loved one mean to you?” The responses were collapsed into nine major categories:

• “Feeling the absence of the loved one” (feeling a loss, void, or emptiness [a category that was mentioned by the largest number of people]);
• “Experiencing relief” (either for the deceased, survivor, or both);
• “Disbelieving the death” (finding it hard to believe the death had occurred, that it was permanent, and its effect on the survivor’s life);
• “Changing relationships” (gaining more love and support from others or experiencing greater distance in relationships, or both);
• “Focusing on negativity” (feeling anger and blame toward the situation or the dead loved one, or feeling guilt for what the survivor did or didn’t do for the loved one);
• “Experiencing meaninglessness” (feeling that one has no purpose in life and there is little meaning in life without the loved one);
• "Continuing the connection” (maintaining the presence of the loved one in the survivor’s life through positive memories, emotions, or a spiritual presence);
• “Invoking an afterlife” (believing in a metaphysical concept of life or a place beyond earth); and
• “Going on with life” (deciding to go on with life without the loved one, reformulating oneself with a sense of autonomy, and finding meaning and purpose in life).

For some, these categories were positive and referred to hope and recovery; others were negative and focused on pain and suffering. Any number or type of these categories was endorsed by mourners. Health professionals reviewed the categories and how the bereaved adjusted to their life situation and the loss of their loved one. Those who identified with one or more positive categories had better bereavement adjustment than those who only expressed negative themes. In fact, Gamino and Sewell (2004) described the category of “focusing on negativity” as the strongest statistical finding for poor adjustment. Negative thinking kept the wound of the loss open and thus deepened the grief. These findings are not surprising. The power of positive thinking has enormous healing effects.

What can help mourners in their adjustment to and recovery from their loved one’s death?

Bereavement is a natural response, and a period when we become acutely aware of the fragility of life. It can stimulate or even foster a re-evaluation of one’s life, and how to move on and in what direction. Painful as it may be, in order to adjust to this loss, the bereaved may need to focus on increasing positive emotions, thoughts, and behavior. They need nourishment in the form of energy, support from positive sources, and turning away from negative thoughts. In essence, they need to reduce the amount of time spent in mourning. Such efforts reinforce a healthy adaptation to life’s tragedies and encourage continued growth rather than stagnation at minimum, or regression at worse.

Most people who lose a loved one go into mourning and experience grief, which can produce psychological symptoms, such as painful feelings, negative thoughts, and depressed mood. Grief can also trigger physical complaints that can be of medical importance, such as stomach or chest pain, headaches, and difficulty breathing. Mourners should not be afraid to seek support from family and friends who can help by listening. They can also ask questions as well as offer assistance to the mourner’s well-being or anything that encourages the mourner’s recovery. In addition, they can observe how well the mourner is adapting to their significant loss and if the mourner is having a hard time recovering, seeking care from mental health and medical professionals may be indicated.

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Undue or prolonged suffering is not a required fact of life. Indeed, it is the joyful memories, the small things: what they did that made us laugh, that filled our hearts with joy, and that they were in our life, for which we should celebrate our loved ones. Indian poet and Nobel Laureate Rabindranath Tagore wrote in his poem, Unending Love, “you become an image of what is remembered forever.” You could say that when you remember those you have lost with joyful memories you become an image of them. In doing so, you also honor them through living a healthy and fulfilled life.

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