How to Parent a Graduate

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It’s graduation season, which means that parents everywhere are feeling all the feels. Some aren’t conscious of the emotions right under the surface, while others are overly aware of their excitement, disappointment, sadness, or glee. Relief that the milestone has been hit, sorrow about upcoming departures from home, and self-doubt in reflecting on how one has done at parenting are normal in the lead-up to the ceremonies that mark the end of an educational era.

Compounding these feelings are the complexities of raising children in a competitive and comparative world. GPAs, achievement awards, and conversations about “whatever is coming up next” rule the day, and it’s easy to focus on the places a child has fallen short of parental wishes. On the flip side, parents too often take credit for their children’s successes, minimizing the child’s effort and investments.

Consciously or not, parents everywhere fall prey to measuring their own worth by their child’s performance as the very public ceremony of graduation approaches. Rather than honoring the individuality and autonomy of their children, maintaining a primary vision of the unique, complex people they are, it’s easy to fall into the trap of caring more about how their children make them look than about the well-being of their child. This never feels good and is a difficult habit to break.

With graduation ceremonies publicly super-praising a very narrow image of “success,” there are many parents who will struggle with their own big feelings this month. I can relate to this. After raising children who placed a higher value on diverse experiences and the pursuit of nonacademic interests than on achieving a high GPA, I found myself bereft in the days leading up to graduation ceremonies that I knew would be rife with an emphasis on traditional accomplishments. In reality, I felt sad for myself and concerned that my children wouldn’t be seen. I know that I am not alone.

With a little work, parents can show up for themselves and their children in this competitive and emotion-filled time. Doing this will benefit their children both by example and by freeing up the ability to celebrate their child for the things that truly matter in the long run: their character, their unique gifts to the world, and their ability to persist and complete difficult things in the future.

Here’s some pregraduation homework for the parents in the audience:

1. Work through your issues, biases, and emotions on your own time. Have a conversation with yourself, your journal, or a friend, therapist, or other support person in which you can be honest about your disappointments or sadnesses. It’s normal and expected to have strong emotions that are very real in relation to how your child does or does not “measure up” to whatever standards you’ve adopted or set. No feeling, in and of itself, is “bad.” Instead, all feelings can be worked through. It’s important to name any difficult emotions and process them all the way through in healthy places that are independent of your children. Putting your sadness onto your child is akin to asking them to carry your emotional baggage. Resenting them for having different goals than yours will do the same. They have plenty on their plate; your emotions are yours to deal with.
2. Adopt a new vocabulary. Rather than telling folks your child did, or did not, make honor roll/dean’s list, offer up a unique and wonderful personal trait about your child. For example, “Mia’s sense of adventure and self-confidence have blossomed over these years. I’ll be celebrating that in her as she walks across the stage.” Instead of joking about missing the awards part of the graduation program, say to your child, “You have accomplished so many things in your school career…so few of them are the kind of things that get graduation shout-outs. I’m excited to help you recall them.” Similarly, instead of congratulating students and their parents for awards and achievements, give verbal praise for their character and what makes them special. Say something like, “You have worked so hard! You have really developed tenacity and your ‘let’s get this done’ attitude is infectious. Thank you!” Instead of assuming a “traditional” college/career path, ask students what they are most excited about now that they have graduated. Rather than saying “Where will you be going to school?” try “What’s the most meaningful thing coming up for you?”
3. Recognize your child’s accomplishments in ways that are meaningful to them. More often than not, the things a parent is tempted to put emphasis on differ from the things that are important to their child. Pay attention to this reality as you recognize your child and celebrate them. Center the things about this season that are important to them rather than calling attention only to what is important to you. If they are shy about awards and achievements, follow their lead in talking about, displaying, or highlighting them with others. If they’d like a party with friends but family is more important to you, consider finding a way to accommodate both. Let the Platinum Rule guide you here, treating your child in the way they would like to be treated.
4. Get some perspective. For families with a graduate, everything becomes a comparison game in May and June, and it begins to feel that it will never end. Who is getting what awards? Who is going to what college/job? Who barely made it to the graduation stage? Whose name got the loudest cheers as they walked across the stage? These questions, and more like them, constantly reinforce a parent’s tendency to rate themselves and their children. Too often, this leaves parents focused on what hasn’t happened rather than on the very real and meaningful things that have, and it feels to them like the impact of this marker of time is permanent.

It’s crucial to remember that graduation is simply one moment in a lifetime of moments. This season has been one of many seasons, and more will follow. Things that feel complicated and conflicted today may end up bright spots tomorrow. Feelings are transitory and will pass. They can also be worked through and soothed. Traditional schools recognize one or two forms of intelligence and there are actually many more that go unnoticed in this one sphere of life. Your child, and their feelings around having accomplished something important, will follow your lead. Do what you can to lead the charge well. Your own well-being, as well as that of your child, depends upon it.