3 Ways to Help a Partner When They're Feeling Down

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Many people long to have a satisfying, meaningful relationship with a loving partner. But what is it that distinguishes people who are happy in their relationships from people who are checked out and disappointed?

New research from my team, led by Sarah Walker at the University of Sydney, suggests that how people respond to their partner's emotions distinguishes who is satisfied versus not satisfied with their relationship. Making your partner feel valued, really listening to them, and using humor to help them feel better were the most important ways that people with high relationship satisfaction were different from those with low relationship satisfaction.

In the study, out this week in the journal Current Psychology, Walker asked 277 people to rate how satisfied they were in their current relationship, and also how much they used eight different strategies to regulate their partners’ emotions.

Being satisfied in your relationships means that your union with your partner meets your expectations and needs, and that you experience pleasure from the relationship. People who are highly satisfied with their relationship feel love for their partner and believe their relationship is better than most. People who have low levels of relationship satisfaction see problems in their relationship and might wish that they had never gotten into the relationship.

If your partner is feeling down, frustrated, or anxious, there are different things you can do to help them feel better. You might tell them to snap out of it, try to fix their problem so they stop worrying, or make a joke to lighten the mood. Walker's research outlined eight different techniques people can use to reduce their partner’s negative feelings or increase their partner’s positive feelings.

These eight emotion regulation strategies are:

1. Valuing. Expressing to your partner how much they are valued and special to you.
2. Humor. Trying to make your partner smile or laugh. For example, you could share a joke, tell a funny story, or act silly to entertain them.
3. Receptive listening. Encouraging your partner to share their emotions by talking about what has just happened or how they are feeling.
4. Reconstrual. Encouraging your partner to change their thoughts or interpretation of the situation that is causing their emotions.
5. Direct action. Directly changing something in your partner’s environment to reduce their negative feelings. For example, if they are frustrated by loud and annoying talk radio, you could turn off the radio.
6. Distraction. Attempt to reduce your partner’s negative feelings by focusing their attention away from the aspect of the situation that is causing their negative feelings.
7. Expressive suppression. Encouraging your partner to avoid expressing their emotions in their facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language.
8. Downward social comparison. Trying to change how your partner feels about a bad situation by shifting their frame of reference to someone who is in an even worse situation.

Walker describes how these strategies differ in emotional engagement—how much they require you to engage with your partner's emotions and pay attention to their thoughts and feelings. The two strategies that require the most engagement are valuing and receptive listening, which Walker calls relationship-focused strategies, as they focus on the relationship between you and your partner.

Which strategies do people in satisfying relationships use?

The research findings supported the idea that relationship-focused strategies for regulating a partner's emotions are linked with relationship satisfaction. The biggest difference between the satisfied and dissatisfied people was how much they used valuing. The #2 strategy was not receptive listening, but humor. People who joke together, try to make each other smile, and focus on the funny side when things are tough tend to have higher relationship satisfaction. Receptive listening was #3. People with higher relationship satisfaction encourage their partner to share how they feel, and listen responsively to what they have to say.

These three strategies—valuing, receptive listening, and humor—are the three ingredients that characterize happy, loving relationships.

But many of the strategies to help your partner feel better were used more often by people with greater relationship satisfaction. People in satisfying relationships also used more reconstrual, direct action, and distraction (but not more downward social comparison or expressive suppression). They just tended to do more to help their partner.

In fact, the extent to which people used the eight strategies to help their partner feel better accounted for 23% of the differences in relationship satisfaction. People who were satisfied with their romantic relationships attended to their partners’ emotions, and made active efforts to increase their positive feelings and decrease their negative feelings.

When Walker tested the relative importance of the different strategies, the top three were again valuing, humor, and receptive listening. After accounting for how much people used all of the eight strategies, only the triple threat of value-laugh-listen related to relationship satisfaction above chance levels. People who are satisfied in their relationship tell their partner that they are valued and special, listen responsively when their partner shares their emotions, and know how to make their partner smile.

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Why are emotion regulation strategies linked with relationship satisfaction?

While this research shows a clear link between the value-laugh-listen trifecta and relationship satisfaction, these findings could be explained in two different ways.

1. Greater relationship satisfaction might lead to differences in how people regulate their partner's emotions. If you feel close to your partner, fulfilled in your relationship, and see a long future together, you might be more willing to invest in the relationship. You may have more genuine reasons to tell your partner how special and valued they are. You may take the time to listen, or to send funny memes when your partner is having a stressful day.
2. The strategies people use might lead to increases in relationship satisfaction. If your partner feels valued, listened to, and able to have a laugh with you when things are rough, it is likely they will be more pleasant to be around. Your partner may also be more likely to pay attention to you and your needs. In this way, investing in your partner (via efforts to make them feel better) might lead to a more satisfying relationship.

Like all chicken-and-egg problems, it seems likely that both explanations hold some water. People who are satisfied may be more likely to help their partners feel better, which might increase relationship satisfaction, which might then increase these helping behaviours. Such a positive cycle of helping and satisfaction may be what characterizes satisfying relationships.

If you want to make your partner feel better, you don’t have to jump in and fix things for them or think of a positive spin on what they are experiencing. Just let them know that they are valued, share a laugh together, and listen to their feelings.

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