Why It's So Important to Feel Like Your Partner Knows You

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When we consider committing to a long-term partner, we may think that getting to know that partner as well as possible is of paramount importance. However, new research by Schroeder and Fishbach (2024), published this month in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, indicates that it is more important to our relationship satisfaction to ensure that our partners know us than to ensure that we know them.

Prior research shows that we tend to believe that we know our partners better than they know us, a phenomenon known as “the illusion of asymmetric insight.” Furthermore, thinking that our partners know us well and thinking that we know our partners well are associated with increased relationship satisfaction. However, the current study shows that believing that our partners know us well is a much stronger determinant of relationship satisfaction than believing that we know our partners well.

In a series of seven studies, the authors studied whether “feeling known” by significant others (including friends, family members, and romantic partners) or feeling that we know those others well more strongly predicted relationship satisfaction. The researchers measured whether participants felt their friends, family members, and romantic partners knew their opinions, moods, life goals, preferences, and thoughts, as well as participants’ satisfaction with those relationships.

The results showed that although participants thought they knew their friends, family members, and partners better than those individuals knew them, feeling known by those significant others more strongly predicted satisfaction with those relationships versus feeling like participants knew those others well. Furthermore, participants expected that their relationship satisfaction would be more strongly influenced by knowing their partners well, showing a mismatch between their expectations and the factors that impacted their satisfaction most strongly.

The authors believed that feeling known increased the likelihood of feeling supported by significant others such as friends, family members, and romantic partners and that support might, therefore, further increase their satisfaction with those relationships. The findings also suggest that feeling like others do not know us well may also lead to reduced relationship satisfaction.

The authors acknowledge that feeling known by one’s partner, friends, or family members may not reflect how well others actually know us. Future research may examine whether others’ actual knowledge about us is also associated with stronger relationship satisfaction.

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