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Key points
- Children in two-home families often struggle with different sets of rules, leading to confusion.
- Children need clear, firm, loving, and respectful boundaries to feel safe and secure.
- Co-parents can validate a child’s feelings and prepare them for differences between their two homes
- Rules and boundaries should be consistent within one home, even if they differ between two houses.
It’s not uncommon for kids with two homes to have to juggle two sets of rules. But it only takes one co-parent to give their kid a safety net to help manage these inconsistencies.
Ten-year-old Tim splits his time 50/50 between his two homes. At his dad’s house, he was given an iPad for Christmas, and he got a smartphone for his birthday six months before that. He can use these in his bedroom at night whenever he wants. At his mom’s house, however, he faces boundaries on when and where he can use his phone and how much TV or videos he can watch. When his mom tries to enforce her stricter rules, Tim yells, “You’re mean. I like it better at Dad’s. He’s so much nicer.”
Those words cut deep, and his mother feels overwhelmed. As a result, she has been backing off on her rules. She thought giving up on enforcing screen-time boundaries would at least ease tensions. But Tim’s behavior is getting more aggressive, and he’s becoming more defiant with her in other ways. For example, he has stopped wanting to participate in afterschool activities or activities she suggests at home. “Everything is a fight,” she exclaims.
Tim’s parents haven’t been able to get on the same page about house rules, including screen time. Instead, they blame each other when conflicts arise. Since arguing has gotten them nowhere, they have chosen not to talk to each other about the differences between their two households. Tim is the one who is suffering the most, as he doesn’t have the resources he needs to manage the different environments. Unfortunately, I see these dynamics frequently.
Importance of a Safety Net
Children in two homes who are left to struggle with different sets of rules often try to pit their parents against each other in a game of bad cop and good cop. They do this when they’re unable to express how they feel about being forced to navigate two sets of rules. Tim, for example, is confused, anxious, and stressed, which has led to emotional dysregulation as well as a range of academic and behavioral issues.
Parents are often pitted against each other and blame each other for the situation. Or if they see their child “acting out,” they may point to their child as the problem. In fact, if this is happening in your home, your kid is trying to tell you that they are craving consistency and age-appropriate boundaries. They are asking you to provide a safety net.
One of the biggest challenges of co-parenting is helping your child transition smoothly between two different environments. Fighting to achieve absolute consistency across two homes may cause additional stress and pressure, which won’t be helpful for your child. Ideally, you and your co-parent can get on the same page with respect to rules and boundaries, but this isn’t always possible. Therefore, it is more important to understand what you can do to help your child within your own home—which is all you can truly control in a two-home family system.
A child needs boundaries that are clear and firm, yet loving and respectful, to feel safe and secure in their environment. You can think of this as a safety net they can carry with them between their two homes. This safety net helps them develop a securely attached relationship with you because they know that even when they test boundaries with you, they can rely on you to maintain the structure and limits they need to feel safe.
It also helps them to develop healthy self-esteem, respect for others, flexibility, critical thinking skills, and the ability to learn from their mistakes. They also learn how to work collaboratively with others and how to set their own boundaries in relationships. This sense of safety and security with you will help them better navigate the everyday challenges and stressors they will encounter in their lives.
Strategies to Ease Tensions Around Different Sets of Rules
Here are five things you can do in your own home, regardless of whether your co-parent also does the same:
1. Validate and reflect on your child’s feelings. When your child pushes back against the rules or acts out, be curious about what they are experiencing. Let them know you understand and accept their feelings, needs, and wants, even if you don’t permit them to do whatever they want. You can tell them that having different rules at each home must be confusing.
For example, you could say, “I get that you’re confused and angry. It sucks to feel you can’t have unlimited screen time here, like you do at your dad’s house.”
2. Help your child prepare for any differences they will face in your two households so they know what to expect as they transition between homes. Talk about it openly, without being judgmental about your co-parent, while also being clear about your rules.
For example, you could say, “At your mom’s house, you have TV before bed, but here we have it before dinner. We didn’t have time before dinner because of your dance class, but that doesn’t change the rule about time before bed.”
3. Maintain a united front, even if you are the only co-parent doing this. Don’t throw your co-parent under the bus to gain footing with your kid or prove you are right. Don’t express any frustration you may be feeling about your co-parent in front of your child.
For example, you could say, “Your dad and I have different rules around bedtime. He lets you stay up till 9:30, and you go to bed at 8:30. Is that a little confusing?”
4. Be consistent in your own home. Create agreements, limits, and consequences that are appropriate to the situation and that you can uphold day to day. Explain these to your child in a clear and concise way. You can introduce or modify boundaries and consequences as your child outgrows the old ones.
For example, you could say, “Now that you have a license and are borrowing my car, I’d like you to vacuum it when it gets dirty. That’s the rule here, even if your mom isn’t letting you use her car.”
5. Model appropriate behavior. Consistency in your own home is not only about the words and limits or boundaries; it’s about what you, as a co-parent, do.
For example, notice if you are yelling at your kid and then getting angry at them for yelling at you. Or perhaps you’re using your phone at the dinner table but telling them they can’t.
