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Highly Sensitive Person
My (Adult) Child, Myself
How the parent-adult child relationship acts like a mirror.
Posted May 15, 2019
Has your adult child ever accused you of being too critical? Not supportive enough? What about intrusive, or needy?
One way to handle complaints like this is to assume that your child is overly sensitive. There is such a thing as high sensitivity, which can exacerbate any problems between parents and adult children – and sometimes even lead to estrangement.
But imagine approaching your child’s feedback as if it were a mirror. Instead of it being about your child’s opinion of you, what if that feedback could tell you something about your own relationship with yourself?
It makes sense. Your way of being in the world is at its most basic, its most raw, when you interact with your own children, because often, it feels like you’re talking to an extension of yourself.
On the upside, a self-confident, ambitious mom will encourage her adult child to start the shoot-for-the-stars business venture he’s been talking about. Since she isn’t afraid of failure herself, her child can count on her support if he wants to try something that clearly might not work out.
When the child says, “Thank you for supporting me in trying this new thing,” he’s also holding up a mirror that says, “You’re not afraid to try new things.”
A dad who’s comfortable with his own emotions is able to listen to his child when she’s feeling blue. Since he knows that all emotions are acceptable, and that they’ll pass as long as they’re allowed to move through her, he’s comfortable letting her cry.
When the child says, “Thank you for letting me cry,” she’s also holding up a mirror that says, “You’re good with emotions.”
But the mirror reflects everything. We don’t just have strengths. We’re also plagued by doubts, fears, and limitations.
A mom who silently but constantly puts herself down will hardly notice that encouragement and appreciation are lacking in her conversations with her child. She doesn't speak that language; criticism is her native tongue.
Like a speaker of English who doesn’t have to stop and wonder which form of a verb to use with a plural subject, the language of criticism rolls off her tongue without her having to think about it.
When the child says, “You’re so critical,” she’s also holding up a mirror that says, “You’re self-critical.”
A dad who suffers from insecurity may need such regular acknowledgment from his adult child that the latter feels emotionally burdened. The child can tell that Dad won’t be okay unless and until he gets a reply. If the son is dutiful, he’ll do his best to meet Dad’s needs for as long as he can. But his own life beckons, and eventually, he’ll fall down on the job.
When he says, “I can’t be there for you 24/7,” he’s also holding up a mirror that says, “You frequently seek reassurance.”
If you’re up for it, pay attention to what you can make out in the mirror of your adult children’s feedback. What do they appreciate about you? What do their reactions suggest about your own relationship with yourself?
This can get complicated, since “Thank you for always being there for me” might also mean that you put everyone else’s needs before your own. Some would say that’s a good thing. But only when it’s optional. Otherwise, it’s like you’re always abandoning yourself.
Your child has her own “stuff” that colors her perception of you. But that doesn’t matter. To the extent that your children feel (to you) like a part of you, your inner workings will show in your dealings with them. Their reactions can help you know yourself better.
Don’t like what you see in the mirror? Be kind to yourself. Personal growth isn’t about “fixing” a self that’s broken or unworthy. It’s about becoming who you really are — one relationship, one interaction, one glance in the mirror at a time.
