How to Really Win an Argument

We all enjoy a good argument. From exchanges across party lines at the top levels of politics worldwide to discourse on social media, everybody seems to agree on one thing, our ability to disagree.

But who is winning these arguments? National leaders spend more energy giving their opponents schoolyard nicknames than addressing the debate. Their behaviour is mimicked in clashes elsewhere. It seems that the goal of argument is to out-roast your opponent or shout them into submission, rather than engage in a battle of ideas and come out wiser as a result.

This egocentric approach to engaging in debate naturally leads to polarisation of the conversation and a lack of empathy or respect for one’s opposite number. It’s a zero-sum game, I win, you lose. It’s a far cry from the ideal outcome, in which exploration of the ideas that each party brings to the table can lead to better solutions and greater innovation.

In a recent episode of The Connected Leadership Podcast, Daniela Landherr, former head of talent engagement at Google, made a plea for people to put aside the need to be right, asking, “How can we move away from trying to be the smartest in the room to how we can be the most open to learning?”

The starting point to truly winning an argument should be setting a clear objective. If you know what you are trying to achieve together, it will be easier to put aside your ego and focus on the end goal. Clarify why you are engaging in the argument, and define the common ground between you. If you have shared objectives, it’s easier to collaborate towards a mutually acceptable resolution.

Confirm your understanding of the problem with the other party and seek clarification that they are trying to achieve the same thing. Agree between you what a successful resolution looks like, and keep your eye on that goal.

Strong relationships play a key role in achieving the goal. It helps to have respect between the parties first. When things get too heated, remember that you are arguing with someone you love, like, or trust, and focus back on the issue rather than on the personalities. It’s OK to step away, refocus on your mutually agreed objective, and come at the issue from a different direction if you get stuck in a negative rut.

The next step is to seek to understand the differences between you. Steven Covey famously talked about the importance of active listening, seeking to understand rather than listening with the intent to reply. The challenge with most arguments is that too few of us truly listen to the other party with the desire to truly grasp their position. We are either looking for weaknesses in their argument to attack or the opportunity to jump back in and express our own views.

Listen for the other person, rather than to them. Paraphrase what you have heard, and repeat it back to them to check that you have fully understood. Feel free to challenge and test their arguments by asking questions, but do so in a spirit of enquiry, not competition. If you have to battle each other, make it a battle of ideas, not of egos.

Even if you disagree with what they are saying, appreciate where their thoughts are coming from. If you can fully understand how they have arrived at that point, it becomes easier to assess the relevance and viability of their view and use it as a foundation for further discussion. And don’t tell them they are wrong; offer a different perspective or food for thought.

When discussing each other’s position, explore how important each element of the discussion is to each of you. You will feel stronger about some points than others, as will your opposite number. If you can each identify key points that you are respectively willing to concede because it’s more critical for the other, moving towards a consensus becomes much more natural.

The biggest barrier to reaching resolution and agreement in arguments is letting our emotions get the better of us. When someone challenges our ideas, it can feel like a personal attack, and we may react emotionally to protect ourselves. At the same time, our emotions can also cloud our judgment and make it harder to listen to the other person's perspective. This can lead to a cycle of escalating emotions and arguments that are unproductive and damaging to relationships.

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It's important to recognise when that is happening and take steps to slow down the response, allowing the rational mind to step in and lead the conversation. Emotional responses are probably the leading cause for disagreements escalating; note how people lose control of their contribution when they become emotionally driven in a debate.

On their popular The Rest Is Politics podcast, UK political commentators Alastair Campbell and Rory Stewart explore the key issues in politics globally. They come from different sides of the political spectrum, Campbell was Tony Blair’s director of communications during the last Labour government, while Stewart was a government minister and Conservative Party leadership candidate. While they take different positions on a number of issues, they always, in their words, disagree agreeably.

If we can all disagree agreeably, respect others’ positions, listen with empathy, and work together towards a common goal, we will find that debate doesn’t need to be a zero-sum game after all, and we can all come out as winners.