Stuck in a Toxic Relationship?

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Tara has had a tortured love life. She was married for 20 years to a man who was a serial cheater who also demeaned her and even beat her on occasion. She finally left him when his cheating was so obvious, it humiliated their teenage children. Tara’s subsequent boyfriend, however was distressingly similar: a lying, cheating abuser who stalked and threatened her. She has finally broken this unhappy pattern with Gary, a good man with whom she has great conversations, laughs a lot, and who is the best lover of her life. And yet, she has reservations about the relationship.

“But he doesn’t automatically open car doors for me or light my cigarette,” she said. “He treats me like an equal. I’m an old-fashioned girl and like to be treated like a princess—which my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend did.” That is, when they weren’t hitting her or cheating on her.

Jayden’s wife experiences toxic jealousy. Since their marriage two years ago, she has insisted that he give up his platonic female friends and not go to the gym without her, so she can police him to make sure he doesn’t look at or talk with any woman. She also dismisses his considerable achievements or altruistic dreams with total contempt. “I’ve been thinking of divorce a lot lately,” he said. “But she’s so gorgeous. I’ve never been in a relationship with such a beautiful woman before.”

Mark’s “but” is somewhat similar. His wife Sandra quit her job on a whim shortly after they married 23 years ago and has refused to work since while indulging an over-the-top shopping habit. The resulting financial strain caused Mark to work for some years past his official retirement age despite significant health problems. Now that he is retired, his wife rules the roost, yelling at him not to get on the computer because the sound of the keys annoys her, and insisting that he not bring library books into the house because books gather dust. He seems to be under a marital house arrest, sneaking out to see friends only when she is out shopping. He says that he is absolutely miserable in the relationship "but she keeps the house immaculate and cooks me some really good meals.”

What’s behind these “but’s”? Why do people stay in such toxic relationships?

• The allure of the familiar. Some people consciously or unconsciously recreate family-of-origin relationships in their love lives. Trish, the daughter of an alcoholic, drug-abusing father, had two unhappy marriages with drug-abusing alcoholics. “I think I told myself that while I couldn’t save my father, I could save these two men. And of course, I couldn’t,” she said. Tara, too, found something familiar in her marriage and first post-divorce relationship. She grew up in a household where her parents’ fights alternated with frosty silences but her dad remained courtly, “acting like a perfect gentleman with my mom and with me, opening car doors, pulling out chairs at the dinner table, and lighting my mom’s cigarettes,” she reported.
• Low self-esteem. Some people don’t feel they deserve better and allow themselves to be bullied and abused. No one deserves abuse. And the reflected glory of a gorgeous partner or one with a prestigious profession can't make up for the pain of being treated terribly behind closed doors.
• Fear of being alone. Many feel that the pain of being with an abusive partner is still better than the pain of being alone. However, many of those individuals isolated in abusive, unhappy relationships are the loneliest people of all.
• Financial limitations. There are many who feel they can’t afford to leave. Perhaps a woman with young children lacks the education or work experience to be able to support herself and her children. Perhaps a long-married couple fear losing the lifestyle for which they’ve worked so hard if they divorce.
• Religious beliefs. Some hesitate to leave because of their religious beliefs or cultural traditions. “My husband beat me and the kids when he was drunk, which was often,” my client Joan told me recently. “But my religion forbids divorce. My pastor told me that it was God’s will that I stay. So I did. And it damaged us all."
• Concern for the children. Many couples stay together for the good of the children. This can make sense sometimes, but not when the children are subjected to a home filled with conflict and tension which can have more of a negative impact than one might imagine.

If you are in a difficult relationship that’s starting to feel toxic, what can you do?

1. Weigh the pros and cons of staying or leaving. Does an ongoing conflict or poor communication seem fixable with professional help? Or have you reached a crisis point where you feel your life may be in danger? This doesn’t only mean that a significant other is overtly threatening your life. A friend I’ll call Dan told me once that the stress of his unhappy marriage was so great that he was sure he’d have a heart attack if he stayed. He finally left the relationship and, according to their daughter, both former partners are enjoying better health these days.
2. Seek counseling individually or couples counseling. In doing so, you may be able to make changes that will enable you to improve your relationship enough that staying is a viable option. If your partner refuses to go to therapy, seek individual counseling to explore your options and to find more productive ways to deal with the relationship.
3. Consider the impact that a change in your behavior could have on your relationship. Your power to change your partner is limited. But what if you change how you react to him or her? It could alter the dynamics of the relationship. For example, Tara might talk with her current boyfriend Gary and let him know how much chivalrous gestures mean to her (while also letting him know how much she enjoys their relationship in general). Jayden and Mark might find ways to break the abusive patterns in their relationships by learning new habits—asserting themselves, setting boundaries, and breaking patterns from the past that may ultimately help the relationship or their self-esteem. This might mean expressing anger rather than holding it in as simmering resentment, refusing to be bullied, and building supportive relationships with family and friends to decrease their sense of isolation.
4. Consider the advantages of leaving, even if you fear being alone or living a more modest lifestyle. Leaving can be scary, especially on a tight budget or if you’ve never lived alone before. There are alternatives. You might move in with family or friends for a time or get a roommate. You might explore resources in advance that can help financially or to gain new skills for employment. You also might consider the emotional cost of maintaining your current lifestyle while enduring the stress of an impossible relationship.

After leaving his wife with most of their assets—a house in an upscale community, a car, and a fat stock portfolio—Dan moved into a studio apartment in the downtown area of the city where he lives. He walks to work and enjoys the peace of having his own place after years of turmoil. “I love my simple little place where I don’t need a car,” he said. “Walking to work and feeling happier, which tamed my compulsive overeating, has been a blessing. I’ve slimmed down to my high-school weight. I'm in much better health. I have a loving circle of friends. I treasure my time alone. In leaving, I lost an affluent lifestyle, but I’ve truly found myself.”

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.