8 Reasons Someone Can Feel Disliked

The new patient exuded aggressive negativity the minute she walked into my office. She sat sternly on the couch, glaring at me, firing a barrage of comments and questions in my direction: My schedule openings didn’t suit her and my office décor was void of good taste. She decided that coming to see me was probably a mistake. She was a middle-aged divorcee and her presenting problem was that “No one likes me.”

Then her eyes welled with tears. “I’m really a good person,” she said. “I have a tender heart, but I’m prickly.”

That prickly exterior was proving to be a barrier between this woman, who was so fearful of being hurt and betrayed once again, and others. It took some time before she began to relax and to present a more welcoming demeanor.

Why and how do we put others off? There can be a number of reasons, some within our control and some not.

1. Memories vary. As the late Queen Elizabeth famously remarked, memories of shared events in our lives can cover a wide range. That old high-school classmate who shuns you at a reunion may not have seen your adolescent insecurities, instead interpreting your tendency to seize control of situations as toxic or may have mistaken your shyness for snobbery. If it's possible to talk privately and find out how her memories differ from yours and how to mend your relationship, that might be worth the effort. Or one might simply shrug and accept the fact that in high school and in life, not everyone is going to like you for a variety of reasons.
2. In anticipating rejection, you may be giving off negative vibes. If you’re harboring negative feelings about yourself, you may find it hard to reach out to others or you may transmit a sense that you’re not worth knowing. Think about making some positive changes. Engage in good self-care, convincing yourself that you’re worth it. Explore positive self-statements to counter the negative ones. You might also try acting “as if”: making the decision to act as if you’re happy or as if everyone you meet likes you. This could help you to give off a more positive vibe and inspire friendlier responses from others—and that could genuinely brighten your mood.
3. Your attitude may be off-putting. Some people so want to be liked that they unwittingly push others away with behavior they think is funny, engaging, or enticing—but isn't. If your style is barbed humor, outrageous comments, or self-disclosure that is too much too soon, you may find others edging away from you. If it seems that your efforts to be friendly are distancing others, talk with a friend or relative who will level with you. Or do some self-examination: If your humor or over-disclosure is coming from anxiety or an overwhelming need to be noticed and liked, work on ways to calm your social anxiety, such as deep breathing, or positive beliefs about yourself that challenge the negative ones. Remind yourself that close and deep relationships – whether platonic or romantic – take time to develop and can't be rushed.
4. Others may not appreciate your communication style. Are you quick to give unsolicited advice? Do you voice strong opinions or judgments? Do you tend to steer conversations to center on you? Do you relentlessly try to top other people’s stories? Do you habitually interrupt others, giving them the impression that you aren’t really interested in what they’re trying to say? Do you tend to condescend or minimize others' pain or achievements? You may have the best intentions and a caring heart, but if your communication style is off-putting, you may find yourself feeling disliked. Listen and ask questions, trying to understand rather than rushing in with advice or opinions. Take a deep breath and step back, letting others take the spotlight in conversations and forge new friendships with your sense of caring rather than doing a hard sell on your own wonderful qualities. Never minimize another’s feelings or experiences—painful or triumphant. Simply listen and react with empathy and enjoy truly getting to know them. You’ll never gain that insight by relentlessly talking about yourself.
5. You might be a pain on social media. Do you engage in constant bragging about the highlights of your life without any responses to the posts of others? Do you post constantly about the minute details of your life? Do you criticize family members, former friends, or ex-lovers bitterly in your posts? Some potential friends may keep their distance, fearing that someday, they might be fodder for a social media rant or that knowing you better could be even more boring than the details of your daily meals. If you fear social media may be coming between you and your friends or potential friends, maybe think twice about bombarding readers with too many details or too much negativity. Congratulate others. Post a tribute to a special friend or someone you know who has had a major achievement or reached a milestone. Use social media for connection, not vindication.
6. You’re too busy to be present for others. We’re all busy, but there are priorities we can choose. Always making work your primary concern can signal to others that you’re not available for close friendships or willing to nurture a friend in need. Connecting with others means showing up in their lives, in good times and devastating times, and simply being there as a caring presence. That can mean more than anything you could say.
7. You remind another of someone they dislike. Some people have knee-jerk adverse reactions to others who remind them of someone else who has brought pain and conflict to their life. Another’s instant negative reaction to you may not be something you can change, however warmly you treat them or insist that you are different. If this person is in constant contact with you—e.g., in your workplace—they may come to see you in a different light over time, especially if you don’t take their initial negativity personally.
8. Differences may come between you and another. In these divisive times, many friendships and family relationships have foundered in the wake of opposing political alliances or opinions on controversial issues. There may be instances when the negatives outweigh the positives in the relationship and you drift apart. But if you’re looking at a rift with a cherished friend, you may make the decision to set differences aside, focusing on all that you do share with him or her. It needs to be a mutual decision. Ideally, you both vow not to bring up politics, religion, or other areas of disagreement. Especially when you both feel strongly about an issue, setting it aside to be there for each other can be a significant measure of your loving relationship.

A final takeaway: You don’t have to twist yourself into an ultimate people-pleaser to be liked. Quite the contrary. Work on liking who you are and trust that others—not everyone, but some special people—will come to like who you are, too.

Facebook/LinkedIn images: DimaBerlin/Shutterstock