Will Your Relationship Last? Part 2: The Mismatched Mates

Source: Professor JRuiz, Flickr

In my last article, available here, I discussed the research of Dr. John Gottman, who, after 30 years of research on marriage, can predict divorce in couples after seeing just one argument. Gottman believes that most people fall into one of three relational styles which influences how a person argues. Conflict, according to Gottman, is the key predictor of divorce. However, his findings are not what you might think. Money problems, sex, your in-laws, and the host of usual suspects are not at the root of relationship dissatisfaction. The key is not what you argue about but how you argue. Couples that have the same relational style are more likely to stay married than couples with mismatched styles. No style is better or worse than the others, according to Gottman, however, couples must settle into a mutual style even if it is a blend of the three basic ones (Conflict-Avoider, Validator, Volatile). (To find out your relational style, take the survey in my last article.)

So, what do you do if you’re a Conflict Avoider and your partner is Volatile? Well, as you’ve probably already discovered, this makes working through disagreements very difficult. You want to agree to disagree and move on; your partner wants to hash out every last detail. You feel overwhelmed; they feel frustrated. The more they push, the more you withdraw, and the more you withdraw, the more they push, and round and round it goes.

So are you doomed? Should you wave the white flag and call in the attorneys? Well, not necessarily. One of the first steps toward making a mismatched marriage work, is recognizing that you are conflictually mismatched. And, recognizing that your way is not better or ‘right,’ no matter how much it feels that way! Next, during a down time when you two are not arguing, discuss in detail your different conflict styles. Simply understanding where the other is coming from can help a great deal. Once you know what to expect out of a fight with your partner, you can begin to work together to create strategies for what to do during a fight. The Volatile person might need to send out an email to their Validating or Conflict-Avoidant partner expressing their feelings at length. Without the strong presence of the Volatile standing in front of them, the partner can focus on the issue rather than the ‘bigness’ of their partner’s anger. The Conflict-Avoiding partner may need to set a timer on arguments asking for a break every 5-10 minutes so that they don’t feel overwhelmed. The Validator might ask their partner directly to express a positive emotion, even in the middle of a fight. You know what works for you. You know what you’d like to hear during an argument. Because your partner’s fighting style is different, so too, will their fighting needs. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that they truly don’t know.

I am not a fan of the Golden Rule. Doing unto others as you would have done is only good when what someone else wants happens to be the same thing you want. Otherwise, the rule is a great example of egocentrism and completely lacks empathy. So, put yourself in your partner’s shoes and do unto them as they would have done unto them!

One additional part of Gottman’s research is key here, as well. The strength of a couple’s reactions during a fight are often a reflection of how good or bad they are feeling about the relationship going into the fight. As I said in my last article, Gottman began his research looking for a mathematical formula to predict relationship success. What he found was the Magic Ratio. According to Gottman, if a relationship has a 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity, the relationship can weather most conflict storms. This means that there have to be 5 positive, loving interactions for every 1 negative interaction in a relationship. It’s like a rainy day fund. If you have a bank of positive feelings, you are able to cover the debt that conflict imposes on a relationship. The ways to show positivity in a marriage are through:

• Interest
• Appreciation
• Concern/Empathy
• Joking around- silliness is especially nourishing
• Share your joy
  
  

  Source: Joye Swan

  Couples who thrive, are those who jump at the chance to talk about their partner’s skills and achievements. They have a genuine interest in the details of each other’s lives. The great common denominator of good relationships is that each partner secretly believes that he or she got the better end of the deal. This makes them feel grateful and, gratitude is a salve to almost all of life’s storms. So, for our mismatched couples out there, although it won’t be an easy life, take heart that, with commitment and diligence, you can fight your way to a successful relationship.

Source: Joye Swan

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