Are We in an Estrangement Epidemic?

Most days, when I flip open my social media accounts, I see at least one post about cutting off toxic people. In these social media posts, the practice is applauded as an essential step for good mental health. Sometimes, it can be liberating, and even critical, particularly when someone is continuously hurting you without response to intervention.

This post is no judgment of what makes estrangement worthwhile or even necessary.

Yet, the pain estrangement brings is often left unacknowledged. It is a disenfranchised loss, the sort that usually goes undiscussed. With more than 1 in 4 people currently being estranged from at least one family member, and with that number growing (Reczek et al., 2023), the potential impacts, both positive and challenging, are far-reaching.

Research has not kept up with the impact of estrangement on mental health, yet at a time when estrangement has become much more common, so has loneliness. Isolation has reached a point where, in 2023, the U.S. surgeon general issued a report on the loneliness epidemic. Similarly, suicide is a growing problem, with rates of suicide higher than ever and only rising as most recent data shows a steady increase until our most recent available statistics of 2022 (Mack et al., 2024). Although suicide is certainly not caused by estrangement per se, family support is an important protective factor against suicide, particularly for young adults and senior citizens.

Here are five unique effects of grief caused by estrangement and strategies for working through

1. Ambiguous Loss

Estrangement is an ambiguous loss. Rather than happening all at once, the relationship often fades away. There is also usually some level of hope, however small, that the relationship will someday rekindle. This makes it particularly difficult to find closure. When someone dies, as horrific as that is, we know the person is gone. With estrangement, that's not often the case, moving toward healing becomes tricky.

2. Regrets

Among the top regrets people express toward the end of life is not mending a relationship (Choi and Jun 2009). Whether or not that would be realistic, the loss of estrangement and felt wish for a different outcome is long-lasting. Years go by, and the loss multiplies. Pivotal moments like weddings and opportunities for participating in the lives of one's grandchildren or nieces/nephews (or aunts/uncles and grandparents) are lost. This is huge. Once the other has passed and reconciliation becomes impossible, regret can contribute to complex grief.

3. Rewritten Stories

One particularly troubling part of estrangement is the phenomenon of rumination. Angry rumination, in particular, is common on both sides of the estrangement. Over time, that rumination can start to take the place of memory. Rather than remembering the person, we best remember the stories we have told ourselves about them.

4. Pain of Rumination

Another challenge of rumination is the repeated pain it produces. While we are no longer in the situation, we may replay in our minds over and over all the ways that we've been hurt by the other. Without healing, that record can distract us from life and the relationships that we still have. As a therapist, it's rare for me to meet someone estranged from family (by choice or not) who is not in some way affected.

5. Loss of Opportunity to Resolve Conflict

In some cases, conflict resolution is not possible or advisable. Still, the social media message that cutting others off is a go-to way to resolve conflict is also problematic. Relationships involve cycles of connection, breaks, and repairs. If we miss out on repairs, we tend to miss out on relationships, not just with the person we are not communicating with, whenever conflict appears a pattern begins where such goes unaddressed.

6. An Unshared Grief

Estrangement is soaked in blame. If we share about a family member, we do not feel we can healthily have a relationship with, others may judge us for cutting them off. In contrast, if we talk about the grief of a family member cutting us off, we are also likely to be judged for whatever we must have done to deserve such a thing. Grief is most often worked through in a community. We talk about the person we lost. We share stories. We laugh and cry together. With estrangement, those chances are not there. It is a particularly lonely grief. Also, when we begin to blame ourselves, as is typical with any grief, the unshared nature can leave that shame unchecked, magnifying the emotional burden.

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7. Lost Support

Families are our most natural support systems. When the family becomes broken, there is a sense of lost support. In the short term, that might show up as lost emotional support. Potential loss of practical support can also come into play, particularly for aging individuals with increasing needs.

On Healing

Acknowledging the grief of estrangement is the first step to healing. For some, estrangement is temporary, and reconciliation is a possibility. Other times, it's not. Accepting the loss does not have to mean letting go of the possibility of mending the relationship, though it can. Writing a sort of goodbye letter, sent or unsent, is one way to begin to express the loss.

Found family is also crucial for individuals experiencing family estrangement. Whether related or not, we all need community. You may grow closer to friends, other family, or community spaces.

Lastly, psychotherapy can be a place to express and process the emotions of grief. A therapist can hear your story without judgment providing you with support, validation, and thoughts for coping. This can be especially helpful if you do not feel that you can talk openly about your estrangement.

Closing

Estrangement is a growing problem in America. As such, research into its impacts and public health strategizing is needed. For those affected, please know you are not alone. This is a real and painful experience. As well, whether you have chosen the estrangement or not, support is available.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.