Are You Too Focused on Yourself, or Too Focused on Others?

Mentalization is the capacity to keep in mind our own and others' mental states. For such a simple definition, the ability is anything but. We all struggle with mentalization at times, particularly during times of stress or conflict.

I remember leaning into the corner at the university coffee shop alone some years ago as I read about mentalization and its dimensions. The dimension of self and others caught my eye. We are best set up to relate when we can balance our attention between self and others.

An academic perspective on a problem as old as time.

How do you find that sweet spot between concern for yourself and others? Is a bright spotlight on the self a sign of awareness or selfishness? What about others? Is a significant focus on others a sign of selflessness or co-dependency? It's something we all work through each day.

Self

Having a healthy sense of self and self-awareness is essential for mental health. Without this, we can feel adrift without an anchor. We are unaware of what we are thinking or feeling.

In addition, effectively relating to others requires some sense of self to relate from. We need to know who we are beyond what others might think of us, or want us to be. It's easier said than done.

Yet, getting lost in the mirror, we miss out on relationships. Focusing too much on ourselves makes it difficult to relate to others and we might not even realize it.

Others

A focus on others is often celebrated in our society. When we are attuned to others, we are in a prime space to show courtesy to their needs. Selflessness is characterized as a value.

Yet, in real life, selflessness can cause us to lose our identity, and forget who we are without our relationships (Bateman and Fogany, 2016). In addition, overfocusing on others is not always kind. Ruminating about how others have harmed us (Drozek et al. 2023), paranoia, manipulation, jealousy, and comparisons also involve a strong focus on others.

A pattern of moving too far toward either the self or other pole is common in a variety of personality disorders.

In dependent and borderline personality disorders, it is common for someone to move so far into the other pole that they merge. This can turn into a kind of self-other confusion that leaves someone looking and feeling like a chameleon. On the contrary, a narcissistic personality can leave a person infatuated with a false self to the exclusion of others. When this false, grandiose self is threatened, however, the focus can just as easily switch to others, tearing them down to feel superior again.

Balance

Striking a balance between focusing on self and others is tricky. No one masters it all the time; at least none of us humans. Each interaction we have is another opportunity to practice.

Some signs of balance include the following:

1. Being aware of both your feelings and others' feelings
2. Knowing what you think, even if it is different from what others think
3. Being able to say no when necessary
4. Ability to practice empathy even in the face of grievances (this does not always mean granting forgiveness or acting in others' interests, but simply being able to empathize)
5. Centering on your values while also recognizing that others may differ

If you find that you are struggling with finding this balance, psychotherapy can help. Mentalization-based therapy in particular can help with understanding your profile of relating to self and others so that you can enhance relationships with both.