Refusing to Forgive Social Offenses Brings Out the Worst in Us

It seems we can’t go a week without calls to destroy someone’s career, whether it’s over credible accusations of rape or foolish comments or photographs from decades past. The latest twist in the serial social slayings that transform beloved celebrities into social pariahs has been the rapid demonization of one of the internet’s leading social warriors for canceling the badly behaved—Chrissy Teigen. Watching her downfall, however, tells us more about ourselves than it does about her.

It was not that long ago that the model-turned-influencer was herself the target of online abuse when New York Times food writer Alison Roman made a few jabs at Teigen’s food and lifestyle blog as being a “content farm.” When social media influencer Yashar Ali (himself a recent target of takedown) blasted her on Twitter as racist for the remark, the result was an immediate chorus condemning Roman as racist—since Teigen is of Asian descent (Roman also criticized Japanese author Marie Kondo in the same article). Though Roman immediately apologized for both her remarks and her “white privilege” that enabled her to make such remarks, she was unforgiven. Teigen gained adoration, Roman was fired.

But that was yesterday. Today it’s Teigen’s turn—and for behavior much more disturbing than Roman’s. In the wake of Teigen’s celebration as a victim, media personality Courtney Stodden—who at the age of 16 married her manager who was then in his 50s—revealed that in 2011, Teigen had sent her a series of texts urging her to kill herself, ostensibly for seducing the middle-aged man. Teigen not only apologized for the texts of a decade ago, but she also acknowledged that she was a cruel troll who acted abhorrently for attention and has since been receiving therapy to address her past behavior.

In response, designer Michael Costello reported that when an intern allegedly sent racist comments from his Instagram account in 2014, Teigen refused his efforts to explain his innocence, and instead said he deserved to suffer and die, and that his career was deservedly over. Costello’s career took a predictable nosedive, and he now reports that Teigen’s comments, and the consequences of those comments, have left him suicidal. And for his admission, some on social media are pointing to allegations of Costello’s own racism as their justification for withholding concern. Sorry, not sorry, seems to be the sentiment of many who are more concerned with virtue signaling than reflecting on what it means to feel compassion for anyone labeled socially radioactive.

Chrissy Teigen is social media's latest prey

Our high-tech online society doesn’t allow for growth and redemption, but it sure makes room for the joy and social unity that expelling someone brings. Despite Teigen’s acknowledgment of how horrid her past behavior was, and the selfish and immature motivation that led to it, and her admission that she was seeking professional help for it, today she is social media’s latest prey. Calling for an end to her celebrity marks those who do so as morally superior. For some, doing so is not just a marker of morality, but brings forth a dark and ugly sort of glee, as permission to bully in public is granted under the guise of virtue and social order.

In a Washington Examiner article headlined “'Cancel Queen’ Chrissy Teigen gets Cancelled at Last,” reporter Tiana Lowe celebrates the eruption of Teigen’s celebrity, castigating her as not knowing her place as a “trophy wife,” which is to keep her mouth shut. That Lowe’s own piece screams “mean girl delights in bullying” doesn’t appear to occur to the writer as she celebrates yet another celebrity downfall.

Which gets us to forgiveness. Teigen’s texts were outrageous. And she knows that, has apologized for it, and is getting treatment for it. Ought her apology be accepted, and she be forgiven? A glance at social media suggests that she will not be, just as Sharon Osbourne won’t be for tasteless comments perceived as racist, Ellie Kemper won’t be for participating in an upper-class pageant with a historical legacy of racism, Ellen DeGeneres won’t be, for being labeled a bully, James Corden won’t be, for making fun of some exotic Asian foods, and a thousand other unknown professionals won’t be for real or alleged bad behaviors in the past.

We seek erasure of those who offend

It seems that many of the very people who lead the battle cries against these celebrities who’ve slipped tend to be the very same people who call for giving felons and elected con artists another chance. On the left, we have calls to forgive killers, rapists, and thieves, if they are unknown and have been locked away and out of sight and are seeking a second chance. Yet forgiving those in public, or in the workplace, or in our social circles, who make racially insensitive comments or sexually inappropriate passes or gestures is another thing altogether. Do something decades ago that is now acknowledged as insensitive or offensive to our feelings, and your action is unforgivable. Kill someone, steal from them, even rape them, and you should be given a second chance after you’ve served your time. For these offenders, there is an expiration date to the punishment. And on the right? There’s no offense that isn’t forgivable if it’s done by someone wrapped in the flag, and no offense that’s forgivable if done by someone who isn’t.

We pick and choose those we’ll give a second chance, those we’ll allow social faux pas or even disagreement. The list of those celebrities, authors, professors, and others whose careers have been destroyed in recent years over unproven accusations, nuanced comments, or even crude and offensive actions, is ever-growing and the penalty great. We make no room for growth, for redemption, or for enlightenment, even as we demand it of others. We tell people to stop being racist, but if you ever were, however unknowingly, stay away forever. Stop being sexist, but if you ever were, however unknowingly, stay away forever. And stop being a bully, but if you ever were, however unknowingly, stay away forever. We want you to grovel, but we won’t accept your apology. It isn’t apologies we want. It isn’t growth or change we want. It’s erasure.

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But what we can’t erase is our own delight in taking others down. It isn’t those we point the finger to who are the problem. It is the joy we find in doing so, and the camaraderie and inclusion we find online when we do so.

The next time you’re prompted to call someone a racist, or sexist, or ableist, or homophobic, or whatever, for nuanced or ambiguous comments or expressing dissenting views or having done something stupid in college, reflect on your own behaviors and comments of decades ago. Reflect on the glee you find in shunning others. Reflect on the many followers you gain on social media every time you join the chorus. And in so reflecting, forgive yourself. You just might find room to forgive another.