33 Stories People Tell About Their Feelings

Source: Pexels: Andrea Piacquadio

Sitting with feelings is incredibly difficult. But sometimes, more painful than the feeling itself is the pain we cause ourselves by attaching difficult stories to those feelings. What kinds of stories do people tell themselves? Well, things like:

1. This feeling is wrong.
2. This feeling is too big for the situation (I’m dramatic).
3. This feeling is too small for the situation (I’m insensitive).
4. I shouldn’t feel this way because the situation is my fault.
5. I shouldn’t feel this way because others have it worse.
6. I shouldn’t feel this way because I’m privileged.
7. Strong feelings in general are “bad” or “weak.”
8. This is an inappropriate feeling to have.
9. I shouldn’t feel this way because others don’t agree with how I see things.
10. This feeling is unlady-like (like anger).
11. This feeling is unmasculine (like sadness).
12. Feelings in general are unproductive.
13. This feeling in particular is unproductive.
14. I’m too young to feel this way.
15. I’m too old to feel this way.
16. This feeling means I’m immature.
17. This feeling means I’m a coward.
18. I’ve felt this way before and I “should” be over it.
19. I’m not allowed to feel bad when I have some responsibility in this situation.
20. I’ve acted badly in the past so I don’t deserve to feel upset now.
21. My feelings will disturb the peace.
22. My emotions aren’t allowed to take up space.
23. Feeling this will interfere with my productivity.
24. This feeling will interfere with my ability to parent.
25. My partner won’t be able to handle my feelings.
26. Nobody will love me if I feel this way.
27. I will be abandoned if I feel this way.
28. I will be rejected by friends or family or a partner if I feel this way.
29. If I start feeling this, this feeling it will never stop.
30. Feelings are dangerous; numbness protects me.
31. Feelings are untidy.
32. I can’t handle feelings.
33. This feeling means I’m a monster.

These stories hide beneath the emotional experience. They represent distorted ways that we think about the feeling. Fear isn’t simply fear, it’s a sign that he isn’t sufficiently masculine. Anger isn’t simply anger, it’s a sign that she’s just like her angry, abusive father. His panic isn’t simply panic, it’s proof that he can’t hack it in his career and in fact, isn’t good enough in general, just like his brother always said. These awful stories weigh down the feeling in constructed beliefs, leading to ever more suffering.

And so for most of us, dealing with our feelings is not simply a matter of addressing the feeling itself. It is also a process of noticing the stories we attach to them. It means learning the stories we assign to those feelings and the identities that come out of those stories. It means starting to unravel and unlearn the messages we repeat to ourselves every time that feeling arises.

And yes, then we can learn to cope with the feelings. We can learn how they crest and fall, where we feel them in our bodies, and how to see them as the data that they are.

Read Next: 4 Reasons Why We Refuse to Feel a Feeling