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Key points
- Sometimes, a person gets overwhelmed by feedback, leading them to make the complaint about their own feelings of overwhelm.
- Sometimes the dynamic shift is intentional manipulation and other times, it's unintentional, stemming from low self-esteem.
- Couples can work together to overcome this frustrating dynamic.
Imagine this common scenario: You approach your romantic partner feeling upset because you’ve agreed to share household responsibilities more equitably but you continue to feel like you’re doing the majority of the work. When you bring up the issue, they get completely overwhelmed by the feedback. They may say:
“Oh my god, you’re right. I can’t believe I did it again.”
“I always do this! I can never get this right. I’m actually the worst.”
“Why are you even with me then? I obviously can’t be trusted.”
“I'm a terrible partner. Are you going to leave me? I can’t have somebody leave me again.”
When a person provides feedback and they’re met with this kind of self-flagellation, it shifts the dynamic. The initial complainant may start to feel pressure to soothe the person they are confronting instead of tackling the subject they sought to address (in this case, discussion of household responsibilities). The complainant may start to reassure their partner, saying:
“No, no, it’s okay! Really. Maybe I’m exaggerating or just hormonal today.”
“You don’t always do this.”
“You get so much right and you’re so great!”
“I hate seeing you so upset. It’s okay, really. It’s fine.”
This phenomenon draws attention away from the original complaint and, for many dyads, never returns to the original purpose. Instead, the conversation centers on the other person’s response to the issue rather than the issue itself.
Why does this happen?
This cycle, in which the conversation shifts from the issue at hand to the distress of being confronted, can be either intentional or unintentional. When it is unintentional, the person receiving the complaint may have a very low tolerance for feedback and struggle with self-esteem. When they hear the complaint, they feel deep shame and may spiral into self-loathing. They may extrapolate what the complaint means about them as a person (I’m a terrible partner) rather than noticing how their behavior fell short (lately, I haven’t been pulling my weight around the house.) The result becomes a visceral inability to sit with the discomfort of feedback.
When this tactic is used intentionally, the person receiving the complaint uses their big emotional reaction to avoid accountability by diverting attention from the issue being raised. While it may not feel like it, insulting oneself repeatedly or putting oneself down becomes a way to exert power by using their one-down position, that is, their submissive stance. In a one-down position, the submissive partner can speak badly about themselves in over-the-top ways, knowing it will lead their partner to focus on their needs in the moment. They may also realize that if they insult themselves enough, it can feel nearly impossible for the complainant to continue their feedback because it would feel like piling on to somebody who is already being hard on themselves.
This is my partner. What do I do?
It can be hard to undo this pattern once it takes hold, but identifying it with your loved one is an important step in shifting it. Discussing it should happen outside the moment of tension. It could sound something like:
“Honey, I noticed that when I offer you feedback, you get so upset that I end up soothing you and we never address the issues I originally bring up. I really need a way to talk to you about difficult things. Can we work together to find a way to do that?”
You may also find yourself noticing it while it’s happening and have to gently confront the dynamic itself. That might sound like:
“This feels like that thing we talked about. I’m sharing something hurtful and it’s becoming about you. Can we please draw the focus back to me?”
This is me. What do I do?
If you realize that you use your one-down position in an argument to make your partner apologetic, it may be time to start noticing where this comes from for you. What is it like for you to receive feedback? Can you begin to build your tolerance? Is there a way you’d like to be approached with this sort of information (perhaps, say, when you are in a good mood, not in a hurry, and not about to go to bed.) Your job may be to learn to sit in your discomfort.
This dynamic can be particularly difficult because it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what is happening while it’s happening. It can feel like a conversation just got away from the both of you and now nothing feels resolved. But if both parties start to notice and shift their roles in the interaction, Couples in this dynamic can shift it together, each noticing their part in the ongoing dance of interaction.
