5 Ways to Improve Exhausting Family Visits

For some, going home to visit family means signing up for a string of difficult family dinners, events, and conversations encounters that replay old family dynamics and arguments. Rather than joy, comfort, and connectedness, feelings of anxiety, frustration, and helplessness prevail as you step back into your childhood home. But preparation, the proper mindset, and support systems can ease and even entirely change the tenor of your family experience. Here are five ways to make that happen:

1. If It Happened Before, Expect It Now

If your family has a history of bringing up divisive political subjects, commenting on your relationship status, or comparing your career trajectory to your sibling’s, expect it to happen now. Leading up to a gathering, many hope that maybe this time, things will be different. Perhaps nobody will bring up obviously difficult subjects or make hurtful comments. But they probably will. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and family members act predictably unless they intentionally decide to change. Prepare to encounter exactly what you expect. This knowledge, truly internalized, can help you feel more in control of your experience; nobody will catch you unaware.

2. Respond Rather than React

Once you’ve accepted that your family will act in expected ways, make an active decision about how you want to respond. Without preparation, we react. With preparation, we respond. Plan a response to expected issues that comes from a grounded, calm place. This can change the script of a familiar fight. Your chosen response will depend on the way your family operates and what issues come to the foreground. If divisive politics wreak havoc on dinner, perhaps you’ll plan to gently steer the conversation to other subjects. Or you might take a direct approach, saying, “This is kind of a divisive subject, can we change the subject and save this one for after dinner?” Or maybe, knowing your family, neither of these strategies will work. But instead of jumping into the argument like you always do, you will make an active decision to let the conversations happen around you while you breathe deeply and enjoy the food until it passes. You may even decide to take a five-minute bathroom break to gain some distance. Whatever strategy you choose, plan it and stick to it. Notice the pull to return to old patterns and remember your goal of responding rather than reacting.

3. Set Boundaries in Advance

In addition to preparing your responses, take stock of the boundaries you have with family members and tweak them, if necessary. If your Great Aunt Ida comments on your relationship status each time she sees you, consider giving her a call before seeing her and saying something like, “I noticed that in the past, you’ve asked about my relationship status at the dinner table and that it becomes a topic of conversation. I really appreciate how much you care about my well-being, but I would prefer if you did not do that this year.” Whatever the response, remain kind but firm in your request. Sometimes, loved ones do not realize the pain they cause when they bring up a subject you’d rather avoid.

4. Notice your Role

In every family conversation, each person plays a role, though they often go unnoticed. Conflicts happen when the same people play the same roles over and over again, reacting to one another in familiar ways. This visit home, notice each family member’s role. Who initiates difficult conversations? Who plays peacemaker when two family members begin to argue? Who breaks up the fight? Who makes passive-aggressive comments? Notice what role you typically play. Do family members look to you to break up the fights? Are you expected to pick a side? Are you the distractor who breaks up the tension by making a joke? Once you notice your role in the family dance, you will have the power to decide if that role suits you or if you want to respond differently.

5. Have a Buddy on Standby

When faced with the things that push our buttons the most, having a friend to call on or text during and after the fact can help you feel grounded. Tell a friend that you may need to text them during your visit (discreetly or in the bathroom if there is a no-phone rule at the table). A friend on the outside may help you avoid getting sucked in while also giving you something to look forward to after the fact.

While you cannot control the decisions and words of others, with these tools, you can gain a greater sense of control over yourself and over how you respond in familiar scenarios.

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