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One definition of conservatism is "Commitment to traditional values and ideas with opposition to change or innovation."
My last post covered some gay responses to my family story, and how much of it was identical to anti-gay conservative arguments. That entry focused on backlash and gay rights. Here, I’ll address another common concern: the kids. Posters worried that our relationship was selfish, didn’t consider the kids, was doomed to fail, and even compared us to pedophiles seeking marriage rights, in slippery slope arguments:
“Have your threeway, that’s fine! But don’t bring children into it!! … I'm all for pushing the boundaries but at some point society has to set limits.”
Does this mean denying us the right to parent in the first place, denying our kids the benefits of the third parent they do have, or taking away our kids? I don’t think the commenter would really want any of these outcomes.
“… selfish! I don’t care if ur polyamorous or not and you like ur threeway/ four way, whatever way, but don’t bring children in to it! Children have a difficult time as it is growing up and being bullied, but if they are gay it make is a lot more difficult! Now you come out and say, oh I have three dads?? That child will go through hell!”
Actually, everyone in the kids’ lives is absolutely delighted about our arrangement, not that prejudice has ever been a good reason to forgo having children.
“Before you decide to take that leap! You need to consider the child’s mental health first! Your Child’s needs, thoughts and feelings always come BEFORE your own!!!”
Wow. As if we didn’t agonize over every decision to make the outcome as great as possible for our kids, and then document that process in a book.
"This could easily wind up in the Supreme Court … nothing good going to come from it. what is next? Four parents? Eight or eighty parents? Where does it end? I'm happy for them [but worry] this will make our hard fought gains more tenuous and may even be the impetus to roll them back.”
Other comments predicted we would separate or jettison one parent and just substitute another, harming the kids. But even though this was the comments section of a 2021 post, things got better! Positive messages definitely outweighed the negative ones:
“I am proud of you and your family. …many of us stand behind you and wish you and your family all the happiness in the world. Mazel tov!”
“Good for them. Even better for their child. 3 dads? F**king lucky kid.”
“Well done … so brave … your child will be loved.”
“These three, loving men are breaking new legal glass ceilings, which should be celebrated.”
Other comments specifically called out the conservative and slippery slope arguments that had been made:
“Comparing [polys] to pedophiles is a false equivalence. As a gay man, I’m calling you out on this, respectfully, as this is the exact argument used falsely used against our community. Consenting adults have ZERO to do with children. Please stop this nonsense.”
“You do realize you are using the exact same arguments used by people opposing gay marriage [like] ‘Will someone think of the Childreeeen!' …This is obviously not a decision these men made lightly. And there are some real advantages to a throuple caring for children from my perspective."
“[We] were one of the first gay couples to have a child via surrogacy …If we had listened to all the naysayers who espoused similar reasons I’ve read on this thread … we would never have had our amazing eldest son.”
“Do some of you hear yourselves? You’re literally saying the _exact_ same things that we were told. 'A marriage is _____. This will confuse the child. When they divorce then who would ___?' Have we really become that which we fought for so long?”
“I can see the 'thoughtless compulsory monogamy crowd that also lacks critical thinking skills' is out in force today."
Then, my most vocal critic messaged me! He’d had a breakthrough and recognized he was attacking a real family, not an internet meme.
“I apologize if I have offended, and upset you and your family! I really didn’t intend too! I read the article briefly and it just struck a chord with me! That’s my own issue to deal with! Sorry to put that on you and yours! You are blazing new trails … who am I to judge that! As long as it comes from a place of true love and respect for one another and your children that is really all that matters!! I do honestly wish you and your family all the best in the World!! … I promise to educate myself on this type of relationship! There is too much negativity in this World and I apologize for contributing to that! Love to you and your family!”
And:
“none of my comments come from a place of hate! My comments were more of a lack of understanding the poly lifestyle … it probably came from some of [my] deep seeded hetero programming But I have learned something so thank you for also being somewhat of a teacher in all of this and you and your family being out front and open about poly and hopefully leading the way forward for other families in the same situation. Love is Love!”
And that’s really been our view. We went into our poly relationship and parenting with the utmost concern for all involved and are constantly working to give our kids their best possible upbringing. Conservative minds—even gay ones—are primed to treat new developments as suspect. That serves an important role in society—so does consideration and growth. All we’ve ever desired is respectful dialog, and we’ve never expected instant approval. So I expressed my understanding and gratitude, and hope that more people come to understand polyamory and relationship options as the discussion continues.
