How to Get the Partner You Most Want to Have

Your only chance of getting—and keeping—the partner you most want to have is to be the partner you most want to be. That sounds simple enough. But the hard part is figuring out what kind of partner you most want to be. Here are some questions that might help.

• Do I want to be driven by my ego or motivated by my deepest values?
• Do I want my partner to submit to what I want or willingly cooperate with me?
• Do I want to devalue my partner or regard my partner as valuable?
• Which do I want most in my relationship, power or value?

If you chose the first part of any of the above questions, you’re dragging a chain of resentment through life that keeps you from becoming the person, parent, and intimate partner you most want to be. If resentment is chronic, help is available here.

If resentment is not chronic, try this experiment. List the personal qualities and behavioral tendencies you would most like to develop in yourself. As a guide, think of how you want to be thought of by the people you love and what you might most regret not doing enough of when you get older. Most of my clients write in this exercise that they want to be more compassionate, kind, appreciative, loving, supportive, and fair. They recognize that failing at these is what they would regret most near the end of their lives.

Once you come up with the list of qualities and behavioral tendencies you would like to develop, use it to complete the following sentence:

If I were more… (compassionate, kind, loving, supportive, appreciative, fair), I would… (cite specific behaviors—for example, try hard to understand my partner’s perspectives, express support and affection, ensure that I’m being fair, open my heart to beauty in nature, and allow myself to be enhanced by the qualities of people who could enrich my life), and I would be closer to the partner I most want to be.

For the next week, do what you wrote above every day or as often as you can, regardless of what your partner does. If you behave consistently according to your deeper values, you will, no doubt, feel more authentic and appreciative at the end of the week. If you do it for six weeks, you’ll be well on your way to becoming the partner you most want to be.

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