The Sort-Of Divorce

My husband and I have decided to end our marriage. We have two sons, 12 and 14, and for many reasons, including access to the children, we have decided to stay in the same household. We believe it will minimize disruption as well as save money. We are friendly enough now with each other (although not without complicated feelings). We have been and intend to continue to be transparent with the kids about the arrangement (sleeping in separate rooms, etcetera). Is this the wisest course?

Kudos for wanting to minimize disruption to your family. It would be ideal if all divorcing parents shared that concern, especially if the children are at an age when their bodies and minds and social lives are undergoing their own inevitable upheaval. Not that there is ever a perfect time for divorce.

You seem to be making the assumption that having divorced parents the conventional way—living in two separate households—is a major disruption for kids. Actually, it is—sometimes. But it doesn’t have to be, at least most of the time. It all depends on the conduct of the parents, their hostility toward each other, and their ability, or lack thereof, to collaborate on the shared enterprise of parenting.

Transparency, however, is no remedy for deep confusion. Parents today live child-centered lives, but that is not always in the best interests of the kids. Your solution seems baffling, perhaps even disingenuous, on several fronts.

A number of questions suggest themselves. The big one is, if you and your husband can live amicably together in the same household, why are you divorcing? Have you hit a patch of restlessness and/or discontent that is more directly addressed by some deep, internal reckoning, separately and/or conjointly? I can guarantee you that your children will be asking the same question, if only to themselves. Your sons have reached the age where they are attuned to the nuances of relationships. They won’t articulate that, but they’re absorbing every move you make.

That raises another question. How much of your interest in avoiding disruption actually relates to the children, and how much is a reflection of your own fears? Establishing a household solo after sharing the couch day after day with another warm body is emotionally tough and often feels lonely, at least for a while. It definitely entails change and, no question about it, usually has budgetary consequences.

Whether it does or not, the financial costs of a physical split have to be weighed against the emotional costs of divorced adults maintaining the same household—and that is even before considering the messy dynamics of dating. Separation may be far less confusing for kids than having parents stay together in an ambiguous situation. Before you and your husband make any decision, ask yourselves one more question: Whose interests are you most protecting?

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