Advice: Time to Call it Quits?

Time To Call It Quits?

Should I call it quits on my 17-year marriage? My husband and I met in high school and married at 20. We've been having issues for almost 10 years and have seen a couple of counselors. As soon as we stop going, everything goes downhill again. He's a wonderful man and provider for me and our two teen daughters, but he very rarely wants any intimate time with me, and I have to initiate it. He prefers to be by himself. We have not shared a bed for over two years! I don't think he's having performance issues or cheating. I think he loves me as a friend but no longer as a wife. It would be a lot easier if he treated me horribly—but he doesn't.

It would be a lot easier for both of you if you simply asked your husband what is going on. Before you call it quits, you need an honest conversation about why he is avoiding you. You both married young, before you had much experience or knew much about yourselves. Rather than drive yourself crazy and search for clues to his behavior, it would be much healthier to talk in a calm and friendly way and update yourselves on each other. Request private time for conversation. And speak from the heart. No complaints. No threats. No demands for change. Use your own words, but something like "I still love you and I miss you as a husband. You no longer seem interested and it will help me decide what to do with my life if I know why. I wonder whether you're angry for some reason. Or whether you're involved with someone else. Or whether you're just not attracted to me. Or whether you've discovered you're interested in men. Please help me know what is going on, so we can take the right steps either alone or together to put some happiness back in our lives." If that doesn't end the impasse, then tell your husband kindly that the isolation you feel is so painful you would reluctantly consider ending the marriage, and ask for a trial separation.

Oh, Brother!

I have been dating my boyfriend for a few years but I have also been seeing his brother for a few months. I really think I love my boyfriend but I have really strong feelings for his brother. My boyfriend doesn't always treat me very well and his brother always treats me like I'm the only one. He says he wants to be with me forever. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt anyone either.

Dahlink, the issue is not what you should do about the boys but what you need to do for yourself. If your boyfriend doesn't treat you well, then you are obligated by your own self-respect—if you can dredge any up—to speak up and ask, kindly, to be treated well; spell out exactly what this looks like so he'll know what to do. It may be that he just hasn't had good teachers. If he doesn't measure up, then stop seeing him. At that point you will be free to see whomever you want—openly. Sneaking in time with his brother—or anyone else—doesn't solve the problem; it just compounds it, further ravaging your self-respect and locking you into your own cowardice—and the brother's. If your boyfriend doesn't treat you well now, wait until he discovers that you're two-timing him—and with whom. It won't be a secret forever.

Too Much Talk

I've been with my girlfriend for five years. The first few years I was singing Sinatra just thinking about her. Over this past year, things got difficult. I was fired from my job and we started spending less time together—she's going to school and working—and more time on the phone, which seems only to have caused more problems. When I get upset by something, I explain I don't want to talk about it, but she doesn't accept that. We spend half an hour in an uncomfortable silence. As a result, I've become more distant and easily angered. I'm afraid this response pattern will cause more problems for us and will spill over to friendship and family relationships.

Phoning is definitely not the best means of communication for someone who doesn't want to talk. But then, it's hard to have a relationship without some kind of contact. Right now the relationship is terribly imbalanced. Girlfriend seems to be working hard for herself and the future but getting only negative signals from you—continuing lack of a job, unwillingness to talk, distance, and anger. She may see them as signs that you're not such a great catch, and she may be trying, unproductively, to prod you to action. It's also likely that some of your irritability stems directly from being unemployed. Two things could help you both immensely—a face-to-face conversation in which you lay out exactly what you need from each other at this difficult time and some sign you're taking positive steps for the future. Right now, the phone company is the only party benefiting from your shutdown. When you sit down to talk, share your thoughts about what you see for the two of you five years ahead—and rough plans on how you aim to get there. Be sure to set up some ground rules for being in touch during the months ahead. Maybe you can agree to talk by phone no more than 10 minutes every day and to see each other on a schedule that works for the two of you.

Shocked By Sex

My 14-year-old daughter recently discovered that my husband and I have sex. She snooped in our room and discovered some sexually oriented books (hidden in the closet). She took a black marker and wrote all over them: "disgusting" and "how can you do this?" She wrote me a letter saying that I was a "whore" and that if we keep having sex she will kill herself. I quickly got her into counseling, but I remain concerned. I tried to talk to her about her misconceptions about sex, but there is no reasoning with her; she says sex is only to have babies, and married people shouldn't do it. How should I handle this? Is my sex life over (we haven't had sex since this started, needless to say)?

I sought the expertise of Joshua Coleman, a developmental psychologist and family therapist in San Francisco. "Wow," he responded, "that is a highly unusual reaction for a teen." And we will assume that your husband is the girl's father—her actions have other meanings if he is not. "Clearly this teen is having conflicted feelings about her own budding sexual impulses," says Coleman. "If it isn't okay to have sex during marriage, when can you have it? On the other hand, if the books were very explicit, that may have been frightening to the teen. In addition, she may be using this 'discovery' as a vehicle to express her contempt, primarily at Mom, for a host of other reasons that she hasn't been able to verbalize or understand." Why, Coleman asks, would you give up your sex life because of your teen's ideas about sex? "While you're understandably worried about her suicide threat, you are giving her an authority over your private lives that isn't good for anyone. The rigidity and immaturity of her ideas about sex, and marital sex in particular, point to a larger problem in her cognitive and emotional life. This also suggests there's a greater underlying problem with this teen. The fact that she has to threaten suicide also points to a crisis in her life." It's good your daughter is in individual therapy, but family therapy or ongoing parenting consultations will help you learn how to set limits and be supportive at the same time. "You should resume your sex life and refuse to discuss it with your daughter when she asks," Coleman counsels. "Better hide whatever books you have about sex. Also, assume your daughter's actions represent a larger complaint about one or both parents. Ask her if there are other things that have been troubling her about the family."

Dress To Impress

My partner buys me outfits for sexy role play but I find the thought of acting like a nurse or a schoolgirl too embarrassing. How do I let go of my inhibitions and just do it, for him?

Better to negotiate something you're both comfortable doing. That's a general rule of relationships. No relationship can thrive without mutual consent. Acceding to demands, especially ones that disturb you in some way, only breeds resentment. That, in the long run, will corrode the good feelings you have for your partner as well as your own respect for yourself. Of course, you do want to expand your sexual repertoire over time, but it doesn't work unless you're both enjoying it. If you "just do it" for him, and ignore your own comfort level, his needs get attended to while you violate your sense of self; you wind up feeling degraded rather than exhilarated. What you need is not a larger closet but a partner with some sensitivity for your feelings. If he really wants role play, he should be doing a lot more than buying you outfits; he should be providing the sense of safety and comfort you need. That he overrides your need for safety suggests a neediness on his part that turns sex into more work than play for you.

Send your questions to askhara@psychologytoday.com.