Another Round, Honey?

Most of the things you and your spouse are fighting about today, you'll still be fighting about a decade from now. And that's no cause for alarm. Couples argue about the same issues 69 percent of the time, reports John Gottman, Ph.D., professor of family psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle. They don't resolve their problems, his long-term studies of more than 670 couples show, because many of them are actually insoluble. And should they change partners, they'll just get a different set of unresolved issues. "It's a myth that if you solve your problems you'll automatically be happy," says Gottman. "We need to teach couples that they'll never solve most of their problems."

The way to happiness, he contends, is to "establish a dialogue" with the problems, learning to live with them much the way someone learns to live with a bad back. The trick is to acknowledge your partner's limitations, push for some improvement--while still communicating acceptance. This is something we do naturally in our friendships. Gottman advises we do it in marriage, too.