Freedom and Self-Esteem

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We all live by our own set of rules. Some are what I call “out loud” rules. You know, the “no shirt, no shoes, no service” or “no belching at the dinner table” kind of rules. These revolve around what is and is not allowed in our families and in spaces we occupy. Additionally, we have rules that while not stated are communicated to us.

For example, if you grew up in a home where only the men expressed anger and it was expressed violently, you might have several subconscious rules about anger. If when you asked your parents about sex, they became visibly uncomfortable and avoided your inquiries, you might have deduced that sex is a topic you can’t ask questions about or is not to be discussed openly.

Our beliefs about what we are allowed to do, feel, say, perceive, and ask are as dictated by these unspoken rules as they are by the spoken ones. These rules can stifle our ability to utilize our internal resources which impacts our sense of self-trust and self-worth.

Family therapy pioneer, Virginia Satir, spoke about this in her The Five Freedoms.

The freedom to see and hear what is here, instead of what “should” be, was, or will be.

The freedom to say what you feel and think, instead of what you “should” feel and think.

The freedom to feel what you feel, instead of what you “ought” to feel.

The freedom to ask for what you want, instead of always waiting for permission.

The freedom to take risks on your own behalf, instead of choosing to be only “secure”.

She believed that when we have these freedoms we can creatively access our inner resources, are more capable of change, of expressing and experiencing our full humanity, and maintaining high levels of self-esteem.

Taking a moment to think about your own life, do you have these freedoms?

If you answered no, what are the rules keeping them from you? Take a moment and write them out for yourself.

The rules we grew up with, and the ones we created to make sense of, manage, and survive in the environment we live in impact the trust we have in ourselves and our abilities, and our beliefs about our worthiness. They can keep us from living our best lives, having the relationships we desire, and from showing up as our fully authentic selves.

Once your rules are identified and made overt, you get to decide what to do with them. Are you allowed to question the rules? Can you update them if you have new information or your values have changes? Are you able to toss out rules that no longer serve you?

You might now notice that you also have rules you have about your rules. In what ways are your rules working for you? What are the costs for breaking, changing, or getting rid of them?

If you answered yes to having these freedoms, I encourage you to sit with each of these again. Check in around where your rules might be limiting your freedoms in ways you aren’t consciously aware of. If you truly do have them, write down the rules that give you permission to access them. These can be helpful reminders when you are feeling stuck, struggling with your self-esteem, or doubting yourself. They can help you tap back into your power and re-center you in your inherent worth and value.

Giving ourselves permission, whether it be direct permission to utilize our freedoms, or to rewrite the rules that keep us from them, begins to repair trust in self. We realize we can count on ourselves to show up. We become more reliable and able to hold ourselves accountable. We can more easily practice generosity and non-judgment with ourselves. We can live in integrity. With increased self-trust comes greater self-esteem. Holding boundaries and having healthy relationships with ourselves and others is easier when we believe we are worthy of them.