Family Dynamics
Why Don’t Children Tell When Their Sibling Harms Them?
Identifying barriers that prevent children from seeking help.
Posted March 29, 2024 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
Key points
- Sibling aggression and abuse are commonly confused with sibling rivalry.
- Parents may inadvertently dismiss or minimize harmful sibling behavior if such behavior is viewed as rivalry.
- Parents’ responses to sibling dynamics are key to stopping sibling aggression and abuse.
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Children’s experiences of sibling aggression and abuse remain largely invisible. Mistreated children, parents, and practitioners dismiss many aggressive sibling behaviors—such as pushing, hitting, injuring, constantly ridiculing, and threatening bodily harm—as expected or harmless sibling rivalry. This widely held belief is a major barrier to the recognition of aggressive sibling behaviors, causing many children to suffer in silence.
Survey data demonstrates the frequency and invisibility of sibling harm. The first and only U.S. national survey to measure sibling aggression showed that aggressive sibling behaviors are common. About 36 percent of children in the survey, which was collected from 2008 to 2014, reported incidents in which a sibling assaulted them, threatened them, or even left an injury. This translates to over 26 million American children under 18. Yet, this form of family violence is rarely acknowledged.
The key to understanding the difference between rivalry and concerning sibling behaviors is that rivalry is not about intentionally harming or controlling a brother or sister mentally or physically. In other words, there are no deliberate injuries, purposeful intimidation, or coercive threats made.
While sibling rivalry is normal and relatively harmless, sibling aggression and abuse can have lifelong negative impacts on mental, physical, and relationship health. So why don’t more children and families seek help for this problem?
Barriers to Seeking Help for the Harmed Child
Because sibling aggression and abuse are rarely acknowledged in society, many children do not recognize the way a sibling treats them as a form of harm. Further, if interpersonal violence and aggression are normalized in a family, children may blame themselves or dismiss the behaviors.
If a child recognizes they have been harmed by a brother or sister, deciding whether to seek help can be a struggle. Harmed children may experience a range of emotions, including fear, confusion, shame, and guilt. They may want to tell someone, but fear getting their sibling into trouble, which could lead to retaliation and add to family stress.
Sometimes, harmed children attempt to fight back against their siblings. This can make them feel like they don’t deserve help because they have also acted aggressively. Alternately, harmed children may go out of their way to please their siblings or try to avoid being around them. Each of these common responses contributes to the invisibility of sibling aggression and abuse, resulting in harmed children feeling isolated, powerless, or hopeless.
Parental Responses That Discourage Seeking Help
Parents also play an important role in whether harmed children seek help. Below are common parental responses that may make it unlikely that a mistreated child seeks help.
Dismissive or aggressive responses
- Parents may express disbelief about the impact or make excuses for the behaviors, often mistakenly thinking that aggressive behaviors are just rivalry that will fade with time with no lasting impact.
- Parents may accept aggressive behaviors that take place between “equals” (e.g., between similarly aged or sized children) or that seem “fair” (e.g., one sibling “deserved it”). Blaming the harmed child for the aggression creates a second incident of mistreatment and suggests that the sibling aggressor does not bear responsibility for the nature and impact of their behaviors.
- Parents may respond to the aggression with aggression, such as giving the harmer “a dose of their own medicine” or disciplining both children through spanking, smacking, or worse. Such responses may lead the harmed child to want to protect their sibling by lying or recanting their story. Alternatively, the harmed child may worry that their sibling will retaliate for the treatment they received from their parent.
- Sometimes, parents are frustrated and saddened by what they see as “sibling fighting,” but they don’t have the tools to address it or know where to seek help. They may appeal to both siblings to “get along” and “be nicer to each other,” but they are unable to stop the behaviors.
Inappropriate reframing
Some parents may respond by inappropriately reframing aggressive sibling behavior as beneficial. Such a reaction dismisses the nature and impact of the aggression.
- Parents may say that a sibling’s aggressive behavior is beneficial and makes the target child tougher and better prepared when interacting with other potential aggressors. For example, they may think sibling aggression “toughens children up” and prepares them to fight back against bullies at school.
- Parents may suggest that the aggressive sibling is jealous of the harmed child’s talents and abilities. Parents may guide the harmed children to ignore the behavior or feel bad for the aggressive sibling.
Responses such as dismissal, aggression, and inappropriate reframing may reflect that parents do not know what would be helpful to say or do. Regardless of the motivation, ineffective parental responses signal a lack of parental support and protection for the harmed child, impacting their well-being and ability to trust others. It can be confusing when aggressive sibling behavior is tolerated. Feeling hopeless, some harmed children choose to seek help from another adult outside the family. However, this choice risks being viewed as hurting or embarrassing the family.
Greater awareness of how rivalry differs from aggressive and abusive sibling behavior is crucial to stop the harm being caused. Research on the harmfulness of sibling aggression and abuse is clear, and better recognition and response are needed. With knowledge, the barriers to seeking help that are detrimental to recovery, healing, and building resilience can be reduced. A reduction in barriers may aid survivors in coming forward.
References
Elliott, K., Fitz‐Gibbon, K., & Maher, J. (2020). Sibling violence: Understanding experiences, impacts, and the need for nuanced responses. The British Journal of Sociology, 71(1), 168–182. https://doi.org/10/grrzcv
Tucker, C. J., & Kazura, K. (2013). Parental responses to school-aged children’s sibling conflict. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 22(5), 737–745. https://doi.org/10/f42vzf
Tucker, C. J., Whitworth, T. R., Finkelhor, D. (2023). Recommendations for parents on managing sibling conflict and aggression (SAARA Bulletin #2). Crimes against Children Research Center, University of New Hampshire. https://www.unh.edu/ccrc/resource/saara-bulletin-2
Wiehe, V. R. (1997). Sibling abuse: Hidden physical, emotional, and sexual trauma (2nd edition). SAGE Publications, Inc.