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Remember the old phrase, “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones"? The proverb appeared in Chaucer's 1385 retelling of the tale of Troilus and Criseyde. Later, George Herbert modified it this way: “Whose house is of glass, must not throw stones at another.” And in 1736, Benjamin Franklin wrote, “Don't throw stones at your neighbors, if your own windows are glass.”
I write from the perspective of trauma recovery from dysfunctional families, particularly those led by parental narcissism. My books discuss the effects of being married to, in relationship with, or growing up with narcissistic parents, including my new release, Will the Drama Ever End? Untangling and Healing From the Harmful Effects of Parental Narcissism. The most important part of this passion is healing and recovery, not blame. I strongly believe and have found in my clinical experience that if we hold onto blame, we never recover. Recovery from trauma is truly an inside job. I am not saying that the past is the past, so get over it already; we do have to process trauma. Let me explain.
When I work with clients in recovery, I encourage them to understand their history and where they have come from. What happened to them or didn’t happen to them plays an important role in that understanding. We want to put the pieces together and have a cognitive understanding of our childhood or wounded relationships. In the beginning of that recovery, it will feel like we get to be victims so we can give ourselves the love and empathy that we didn’t get as children. We have to re-parent the wounded child within. It’s OK to be a victim at the beginning of treatment. But it does not mean we are going to hold onto blame or hold others accountable for our well-being for the rest of our lives.
When we become adults, we are responsible for our own feelings, actions, and behaviors. We are able to be compassionate with ourselves and understand why we have certain reactions and symptoms. We begin to better comprehend our own complex post-traumatic stress triggers and why they are there. This is all good and an important part of recovery. But, after processing trauma and doing our own work, we must turn the focus on ourselves—not to blame ourselves, but to take the reins and change our own lives. There is great power in doing this.
“When you blame others, you give up your power to change” —Robert Anthony
Childhood trauma is real. It changes the formation of the brain. It gets stuck in our bodies and brain. It’s not OK. We will never condone child abuse in any way. It can’t even be forgiven; we just have to learn to do an inner letting go so we can focus on ourselves. Children who grow up with narcissistic parents are taught to blame themselves for everything: We are the crazy ones. We are wrong. But we can’t blame ourselves; blame has no purpose in recovery. It’s all just understanding and coming to terms with who we are today and what is left inside of us to work on. “Trauma is what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.," Gabor Maté says. If it is inside of you, that means you are the only one who can fix it.
There are many things we can do other than carrying blame that eats us up inside: We can set boundaries, we can limit contact or have no contact with toxic people, and we can take better care of ourselves. Many people who have dealt with narcissists have to do these things. It’s OK. But it's important to remember that we are on a journey together, we all make mistakes, and no one is perfect in that glass house. Narcissism often comes from trauma, too; it’s really the understanding that is the key.
We seem to be naturally wired to blame others when things go wrong in our own lives. But, as Michael Timms reminds us, “Blame also kills healthy accountable behaviors.”
Understand that recovery is an inside job that is crucial to sound mental health.
We may be who we are today because of our history, but we are responsible now for our own lives. Using the blame game in our love relationships, work relationships, or in processing our family history will only keep us stuck. Nobody made someone take a drink, hit someone, abuse someone, or buy several fancy new shoes and spend too much money.
So hold the horses on blame. Blame is toxic, and it will stop recovery in its tracks. Instead, get on that horse and be in control of you.
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