The Magic of the Mantra, 'Perfect? No. Better? Yes.'

Wisdom vs. perfectionism.

Source: Gerd Altmann/Pixabay

This morning, I set about trying to wax some watermarks out of my coffee table. We’d had guests over who placed wet-bottomed drinking glasses on the table again and again, leaving multiple rings on its surface. The ring-making was by no means intentional. Yet, in years prior, I would have found myself anxiously wanting to wipe up the wet marks before any lasting damage could be done—to the point that I probably would have checked out of the conversation.

Yet, doing so would have taken the focus off people who are important to me, and would have made them feel uncomfortable. I still struggle with these urges (I can’t lie), but I’m much more able to observe them without giving in (most of the time). There is a simple reason for this.

Today, as I mindfully set about the task of polishing the table, appreciating the improvement in the wood as I massaged wax into the grain, I found myself repeating the mantra, “Perfect? No. Better? Yes.”

I cannot overstate the power of this mantra to decrease my suffering over things that don't really warrant it.

Mind you, the rings were by no means eradicated, but the table as a whole looked much better. And more important, if keeping the wood pristine means I cannot share my life and my home with others who are important to me, having some rings on my table is a price I am willing to pay, any sighing or grumbling on my part notwithstanding.

Would it have been OK to say, "Let me get you a coaster," or even to wipe up a ring here and there? Absolutely. But is it healthy for me to obsess about every mark on my furniture? Not really. And that is the bigger point I'm trying to make. Despite our best efforts, things happen. Furniture gets stained. Our best efforts sometimes fail to yield what we want in life. Our bodies change. People and situations disappoint us. We make mistakes, and so forth.

The table rings are really a metaphor for life. It's messy, imperfect, and something we cannot completely control.

And so I have been saved by this simple mantra, “Perfect? No. Better? Yes." It has become much more second nature for me over the past several years. It is one of the most natural, liberating, and important affirmations around. I believe this mantra has particular value for those who struggle with the desire to have everything be pristine or perfect or somehow "under control."

This is because, like many people (if it isn't obvious by now), I, too, must strive to be mindful not to fall into the trap of perfectionism. That’s probably due to some combination of my personal wiring, my upbringing, and the societal pressure to strive for “nothing less than the best.” Yet, at worst, as you know, perfectionism can be toxic and crippling.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting to give our best effort to projects and tasks that are important to us. And it can feel wonderful to invest in doing things well and seeing positive results from these efforts.

That said, attachment to perfection in things ranging from the trivial to the important almost invariably leads to suffering. After all, the very concept of perfection is subjective—what seems “best” to one person may be quite different from another’s ideal. Perfection is also elusive—after all, if we come close to achieving what we may have once thought of as “perfect” or “ideal,” won’t some part of us wonder if we could have done “even better” somehow no matter what we achieve?

Furthermore, our attachment to things being perfect means that even efforts that most would describe as pretty darn good will leave us feeling disappointed, and as if we and our efforts are somehow just not enough. It will also mean that we will never be satisfied with our partners, our children, our employees, and our lives in general.

For these reasons, the affirmation, “Perfection is an illusion that gets in the way of learning,” is another one of my favorites. I’ve featured it in some of my audio programs because I think it’s worth hearing and repeating. We learn the most from those things that are imperfect—when our efforts don’t yield exactly what we had hoped for, or when people from whom we expect more wind up disappointing us, and so forth.

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And learning to be mindfully present with our own self-judgments and frustrations can help us to further develop the mental muscles to be emotionally and socially resilient and cognitively flexible.

Of course, we needn’t try to create disappointments to learn from them; disappointments are an unavoidable part of life for each and every one of us. But we can allow ourselves to learn from the imperfect results and people and situations that we will invariably encounter (and sometimes create).

Some of the key lessons we can take from life’s imperfections are that they teach us:

1. To be more patient with ourselves and others—imperfection is the rule, rather than the exception.
2. To keep striving, even as we allow ourselves to appreciate whatever is inherently worthwhile in life’s less-than-perfect moments.
3. To practice self-compassion—remembering that just like everyone else, we are human, and deserving of love and kindness despite our imperfections.

My hope for all is that we can more naturally both allow ourselves to strive to live according to our ideals and put forth good faith efforts, all while remembering that we need not eradicate every ring on the coffee table of life. There is significant value in, “Perfect? No. Better? Yes.”