How to Handle a Manipulator When They Don’t Get Their Way

Chronic manipulators have one goal in mind: to get their way. To meet that goal, they will use, cajole, and mistreat anyone who stands in their way. Most of the time, those tactics garner them the win they’re seeking, but what happens when a manipulator doesn’t get their way?

Current research suggests that manipulators start to sacrifice their well-being when trying to justify their manipulative actions without internally condemning those actions. That indicates a strong internal reaction starts to take place when manipulators face a difference between their actual behaviors and their ideal behaviors. That dissonance could force positive change, but it also holds the risk of increasing their maladaptive behaviors—as a way to soothe that internal conflict.

Simple ways to respond to a manipulator when they don't get what they want

For victims of chronic manipulation, what does it look like, in real life, when a manipulator pulls out all the stops but still faces defeat? If victims are going to actively work to thwart their manipulators, it takes dedication and a willingness to take risks; learning to recognize the aftereffects of stopping a manipulator from getting what they want from you can be a survival tool in these situations. Manipulators who don’t get what they want typically engage in several predictable reactions:

1. They lash out at others

If a manipulator fails to successfully do what they’re best at, their immediate response usually involves anger. And, the person most likely to be in their sights is the person they haven’t been able to maneuver—their victim.

That anger will look like blaming, finger-pointing, and desperate attempts to convince others that their victim is a bad person or has mistreated them in some way. Smear campaigns aimed at discrediting their victims are common, a likely development that victims should be prepared to face. Knowing it’s coming can sometimes make it easier to handle.

How to respond

Victims whose characters are attacked by a manipulator because they wouldn’t give in must stay strong. Continually point responsibility back to the manipulator for those choices that landed them where they are at. Victims must refuse to take accountability for their manipulator’s emotions and behaviors.

2. They paint themselves as the victim

Manipulators who don’t get what they want from others often transform into a victim overnight. To anyone who will listen, they share the ways they’ve been hurt, mistreated, abandoned, etc. The key to recognizing these patterns is to look for a lack of accountability in their statements. Manipulators rarely accept full responsibility for their less-than-desirable outcomes.

How to respond

When a manipulator is seeking to cast themselves as a victim, it’s crucial to disengage. Don’t sit and listen to the sob story. Don’t agree just to get them off your back. Be direct. Tell them you don’t want to be part of their efforts to abdicate responsibility for their own choices in life.

3. They up the ante

When things don’t turn out as expected, chronic manipulators often view that as an opportunity—to turn up the heat, so to speak. They may increase their attempts at charming to get their way, they may make bigger threats, and they may violate more boundaries to get what they want.

Failure is fluid for manipulators. Not getting what they want doesn’t necessarily equal a complete failure in the mind of a chronic manipulator—it could just indicate their tactics were off. Many manipulators view perceived failures as lessons in what not to do the next time. After all, they’re honing skills at using people to meet their own emotional needs—which is never an exact science.

How to respond

Victims should handle this reaction by setting firm boundaries and refusing to waver. Don’t fall for the sweet talk, the promises of change, or become prey to fear. Remind yourself of what’s driving your manipulator to up the ante; that will help keep the situation in perspective.

4. They lay low

If a manipulator is struggling to get what they want out of a certain situation, they may decide to lay low for a while—to prove they’ve changed. Giving others space often grants them a renewed opportunity to restart their tactics in the future.

How to respond

If you’re facing a sudden drop off of activity after telling a manipulator “no,” brace yourself. It’s the calm before the storm. While you think you may have finally gotten through to them, they’re licking their wounds and planning a counterattack—for when you least expect it.

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Victims should prep for that counterattack and, when it comes, stay firmly inside the boundaries they’ve already established. Don’t go back on your decision to say “no” just because your manipulator took time off of doing what they do best. Changing your “no” to “yes” once will exponentially increase the manipulative tactics the next time they want something from you.

Self-preservation

Chronic manipulation is, unfortunately, all too rampant. It shows up in many types of relationships. Whether that’s an intimate relationship or a surface-level acquaintance, learning how to first say “no” and then handle the storm headed your way are crucial steps in self-preservation.