7 Signs That You Are Overfunctioning in Your Relationship

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Overfunctioning is a term used to describe a dynamic in which one partner carries the bulk of daily responsibilities, initiates difficult conversations, and tries to resolve problems that arise in the relationship.

There are a number of reasons why this pattern may occur. As both partners get comfortable in a relationship and responsibilities increase (e.g., household chores, raising children, work-related tasks) one may naturally take on the role of overfunctioning, while the other defaults to taking on an underfunctioning role. This relationship pattern can also mimic a parent-child dynamic, which can exacerbate tension and resentment for both partners as each becomes more entrenched in their role.

The relationship you witnessed between your primary caregivers can influence how you learned to communicate, set boundaries, and resolve conflict. If you witnessed your caretakers have a similar dynamic growing up, you may have learned to overfunction in order to make a relationship work at the expense of yourself.

Following are signs that you may be overfunctioning in your relationship.

1. You assume that if you take a break, everything at home will fall apart. Those who over-function recognize the importance of planning and anticipating challenging issues that may arise. The partner who takes on the overfunctioning role typically tends to carry the mental load, which refers to the emotional and cognitive attention used to manage daily responsibilities and tasks. The mental load is invisible and often creates building tension over time since the bulk of it often falls on one partner’s shoulders. If you are carrying the mental load, you are likely feeling overwhelmed and you may fear that taking any time for yourself will cause everything at home to fall apart. This may be a sign that there is a lack of balance in your relationship with respect to planning and division of tasks.
2. You frequently feel resentful. When you overfunction in your relationship, resentment starts to build. If you’re feeling resentful toward your partner, that is your cue to dig a little deeper to find the source. Resentment is typically a sign that your boundaries have been crossed or that you’re feeling taken for granted. If you recognize that something about your relationship is upsetting you and you’re purposely suppressing it to maintain the status quo, you are slowly but surely building a wall that will eventually get so tall your partner won’t be able to climb it.
3. You feel more irritable than usual toward your partner or tend to be snappy about things that seem trivial on the surface. Feeling annoyed or irritable is inevitable at some point in any relationship, but it’s important to pay attention to whether you notice an increase in annoyance and/or snapping at your partner. Those who overfunction in their relationships feel increasing amounts of stress since they often take on the bulk of responsibilities and planning. If you are feeling an increase in irritability, consider whether your reactions seem disproportionate to the situation. When you or the people around you are surprised by the intensity of your emotional response to a situation, that may be a sign that your feelings have been building up for a while and have not been expressed.
4. You tend to anticipate and focus primarily on the needs of your partner, while minimizing or suppressing your own. Often those who overfunction in their relationships become disconnected from their own needs as they minimize or suppress them, until their resentment begins to impact different areas of their life and it becomes increasingly clear that continuing down the same path is no longer sustainable. If you find yourself in this position, it’s important to consider before having a conversation with your partner that you have likely been sitting with these feelings for months and your partner may have no idea the level to which this dynamic has been affecting you.
5. Your libido has taken a nosedive. It is not uncommon for those who overfunction in their relationships to slowly become less attracted to their partners over time. This is due to several factors, one of which is that it’s difficult to have a high libido when you are feeling overwhelmed and frequently thinking about all of the tasks you need to take care of. Additionally, if you are not viewing your partner as a mature, capable, adult, that can be a major turnoff and will impact your libido as well as your intimacy.
6. It’s hard for you to enjoy the present moment. Those who overfunction in relationships tend to have difficulty being fully present in a lot of areas of their life since so much space is taken up by the mental load. Spontaneity and playfulness often take a backseat when you feel like you have to be the responsible one in your relationship.
7. You’ve put yourself on the backburner. You can’t remember the last time you did something just for you because you felt like it because most moments of free time are spent focusing on completing tasks and planning out logistical details. If this has been your experience, you may have become disconnected with yourself and lost touch with your own needs.

While those who overfunction tend to feel resentful towards their partner, it’s important to remember that it takes two people to create this dynamic. If you often take on the role over functioning in your relationship, consider the following questions:

• Did you witness the overfunctioning-underfuctioning dynamic with your caretakers or any other important figures in your life growing up?
• Have you taken on the overfunctioning role in other relationships or just this one? If you’ve only adopted this role in your current relationship, consider the reasons why this particular dynamic is coming up in this relationship.
• What are the benefits of this role and what is it costing you to maintain it?
• What are some ways that your partner can support you and take on more responsibility in order to add more balance into your relationship dynamic? What might be the benefits of letting go of this role you’ve adopted and inviting your partner to take on more responsibility?

Reflecting about the reasons you may be feeling unappreciated, as well as what your boundaries are and how to communicate them, can help you feel less resentful over time. It’s also important to keep in mind that your partner may not complete tasks in the same manner you would and some leeway may need to be given so that tasks get completed, within reason. Done is better than perfect.

If you have communicated about this issue with your partner and feel that there has been no resolution, consider attending couples therapy so that you can work together toward a solution. This sort of relationship dynamic can become a perpetual cycle, which is why it can be helpful to meet with a couple’s therapist to sort out ways to navigate your roles so that you work as a team and tackle the issue together, instead of viewing it as a you vs. your partner problem.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.