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When my husband and I split up, I assumed it would be difficult for a couple of years. Divorce is hard, as everyone says. But then, I figured, I'd fall madly in love with a more suitable suitor and continue on with my new life.
What’s evolved is something different. I haven’t, in fact, fallen in love. (At least, not yet.) Nor has my once-spouse receded into the past as a distant, conflicted memory, or morphed into an active enemy (as some friends predicted).
As I write in the January/February issue of Psychology Today magazine, my former spouse now lives a few blocks away and has become what feels to me like a 20 percent husband. My ex shows up for our son, and he’s there for me, too, handling about 20 percent of the tasks you might turn to a spouse to fulfill. He hasn’t exited the stage of my life, but taken on a lesser, supportive role.
I also feel somewhat like a 20 percent wife. This role is more about what I don't do than than what I do. For example, I don't ask him to listen to my problems or care about my passions. And I don't feel hurt by his lack of interest in the details of my life—or lash out in reaction.
Certainly part of our good relationship has to do with the lower expectations one has for a former spouse. We aren't looking to each other to be our main emotional support, domestic partner or primary recreational pal. But also, we learned a lot in our marriage, and in our divorce. As I’ve written about before, the process of divorce can actually improve your interactions—especially if you choose a collaborative, supportive legal process.
Our positive post-marriage relationship didn’t develop overnight. I had the intention to create a good divorce, but I also had plenty of challenges along the way. It's taken effort, but it's certainly been worth it.
The notion of a good relationship with an ex also can make other people pretty uncomfortable, it turns out. People can easily accept the idea that a couple might transition from real love to deep loathing. But to move from romance to some lesser, still positive relationship? That idea can be harder to accept. One mom friend has suggested that my ex and I just, "get a room," as if a night of potentially hot post-break-up sex would erase the myriad incompatibilities that undermined our union again and again over the years. Others have insisted that it's better to hate a former spouse—and to work on maintaining that anger—in order to keep any second-guessing at bay. “Rancor is a helpful emotion!” as a divorced dad I met at a wedding in Texas insisted.
To me, a decent divorce is far more honest, and realistic than an on-going war. I loved this man enough to marry him; obviously he has traits that I appreciate and that I want in our son’s life. I’ve seen plenty of other couples who have worked to create a new kind of family, on the other side of marriage. It’s not easy, but no important relationships are easy all the time.
So what does my 20 percent relationship look like? Read part of the story here, or pick up the magazine.
