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Communicating with an ex or ex-to-be is a huge struggle for many. I’ve written here about how my own communication skills improved once we split. Distance definitely helped the conversation grow calmer. But I also had outside assistance.
About seven months after my husband and I separated, I needed help handling some of the changes in our lives. Such as, how soon was too early for him to introduce a new girlfriend to our son, and did the fact that it pissed me off matter? We'd already discussed this eventuality and agreed, loosely, on what we'd do. But when it happened in real time, I realized that our agreement lacked some precision I needed. I didn’t want to bring in a lawyer about this; I needed emotional support, insight, and a plan. I suggested we go to a therapist, together; my ex agreed.
I found a therapist on Psychologytoday.com who agreed to meet with us for couples counseling. Or, former couples counseling. Or, divorce counseling, actually.
We'd tried marriage counseling a few times in the past. I love marriage counseling. Everyone should do it, even single people. Grab a friend and go. You can see your communication patterns better when you have a third party witnessing your interactions.
But when it came to actually improving our relationship, marriage counseling often felt like a patch. Divorce counseling helped immediately. The therapist helped us talk through this issue, and devise a plan that felt fair to him, and reassuring to me. We met with her a few more times during that rockiest-of-all periods in our divorce.
Divorce counseling can be so effective because you’re seeking assistance with a discrete, common goal, rather than attempting a Total Personality Overhaul of one or both of you. Many problems in divorce can be solved, even thorny emotional ones. But you need to keep your focus forward and on your goals: you’re there to help smooth interactions and go on with your life, not punish your ex or prove that you’re right.
If you have a therapist you like, you can ask if she’ll meet with you, or do so by Skype. You also can seek help from a mediator, or find collaborative-minded professionals of all types on collaborative.practice.
There are a variety of websites and mobile apps designed to ease communication and coordination with an ex. Logistics can cause friction even in the best of circumstances, making scheduling apps an important part of peaceful co-parenting for some. Sometimes a judge will require a fighting couple to limit communications to a website such as Ourfamilywizard that has a tone meter, reminding you to keep your voice down.
“At first I thought it was stupid. I’m an adult. I can handle my own conversations. But it’s actually really helpful,” said a mother of one in Los Angeles county who sought a temporary restraining order against her ex, and was then required to use the site by the judge. “It makes us both really notice how we sound. It’s also good to know that if I have to discuss something, like his birthday party, there’s a place I can do it.”
For a list of websites and mobile apps to ease co-parenting, check out this article on Wevorce.
